This upcoming weekend, parents and family drama will be welcomed onto campus — some with open arms, and others with less enthusiasm. Regardless of whether your parents are visiting or not, you’ll still be caught in the middle of a family reunion you never signed up for.

Family dynamics are tough — especially when your schedule is already packed with midterms, essays and existential crises. As if you weren’t busy enough, now you have to deal with 5 million questions about what classes you’re taking, how your suitemates are doing and whether the dining hall food is edible. It’s not, and you’ve answered 3 million of these questions before. 

The interrogation is relentless, yet somehow you will be expected to smile through the intrusion and give a brochure-worthy campus tour. At the end of the day, Family Weekend isn’t about school pride — it’s about survival. Let the games begin.

The stars foretell an upcoming filial dilemma in your future:

Aries

You probably forgot it was Family Weekend until you started reading this. You’re welcome for the much-needed reminder. Your family might not be visiting, but your roommate’s parents definitely are. It’s time to clean your side of the room before they take an unexpected tour of the suite. They will judge your collection of two-week-old takeout boxes and the unidentifiable stench that your bed reeks of.

Taurus

Your family has been too excited about this upcoming weekend, but not to visit you. They don’t care to see their precious baby, their pride and joy, suffer through midterm season. Instead, they want to take advantage of the potential opportunity to witness a celebrity sighting in the wild jungle known as Cross Campus. When else will your mother have the chance to question Ben Affleck in person? She needs to know his opinion on who is most responsible for the Red Sox losing the ’86 World Series. If he says Bill Buckner, he is not a real fan.

Gemini

You have to hide your double life from your strict parents when they visit. They were so proud when you were accepted as a Biomedical Engineering major, and you don’t know how to tell them that you’ve given up on your med school dreams, replacing them with “Archeological Studies” and Indiana Jones fantasies. Your decline into the humanities coincides with your decline into partying and blacking out every weekend. Make sure to brief your suitemates on the situation so they can corroborate your fake life: you stay in each night, study faithfully for your soul-crushing biology exams, and you’ve never even seen a Solo cup.

Cancer

Your parents are not visiting this weekend, but that’s okay because you don’t have time for them anyway. Or, at least, that’s what you say to comfort yourself. In any case, your weekend plans will be uninterrupted, so you are free to cry alone while watching your favorite comfort movies, self-inserting into the plot of yet another found family trope. You’ll be fine. Really. Totally fine.

Leo

You’re afraid your dirty family secrets will be exposed this weekend when your parents come to visit. You’re a double legacy AND your parents are divorced? Pick a struggle. Fortunately, those around you already know because they can tell by your lack of empathy and constant state of ignorant bliss towards global conflicts. The pre-distressed Golden Goose sneakers you wear every day weren’t fooling anyone, babes.

Virgo

Your parents are not divorced, but they should be. It will become painfully obvious this weekend when they get into a nasty argument on Beinecke Plaza, debating whether they should eat at Sally’s or Pepe’s for lunch. Your father prefers gooey heaps of mozzarella on top of chewy crust, but your mother demands a thinner, crispier, charred finish. Their marriage was doomed from the start. Luckily, their spousal issues are not your problem anymore since you’ve already moved out and you’ll be eating some of New Haven’s best pizza either way.

Libra

You’ve been dating this guy for a while now, and you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level: meeting the parents. Unfortunately, it looks like he is not as prepared for commitment as you are. Enjoy spending the entire weekend avoiding him and his family while trying to give your own parents an informative tour of campus. They will ask if every man they see on College Street is your “boyfriend.” Good luck trying to explain to them that modern-day romance is dead.

Scorpio

Do NOT fall into the trap of hooking up with the hot dad at ADPhi this weekend. His cologne may be intoxicating, but it’s just masking his midlife crisis. Or maybe it’s the copious amounts of tequila that are clouding your judgment. With alcohol consumption involved, that means no Zeta Zaddy™ for you either. Take a break from your usual party antics this weekend before you embarrass yourself in front of people who still think Duran Duran is the epitome of pop rock.

Sagittarius

You’re especially looking forward to Family Weekend because you’ll get a brief respite from dining hall food. You’re ready to be spoiled by your friend’s family, who will take you out to dinner and treat you lavishly to the gourmet restaurant of your dreams: Chili’s. You need to be chauffeured to the exclusive location far away in East Haven, and luckily, their parents have the perfect vehicle: a minivan that will fit all of your suitemates. Revel in the triple success of the night: good company, a free ride and of course, the Triple Dipper.

Capricorn

Your parents are excited to immerse themselves in Yale — and revisit their treasured days of youth — by living vicariously through your college experience this weekend. That includes meeting some of the cool people you spend your days with. The problem is you have no friends. Sure, you say hello to 10 different classmates you pass walking through Commons, but how many of them will actually sit down to have a meal with you? You can’t continue to pass off every wave as “networking.” Otherwise, your parents might start to realize that the only people eating with you are … them.

Aquarius

For you, family visits include your annoying siblings who will be tagging along all weekend, bothering you while you try to get work done and stealing your guest swipes only to complain about how gross the food is. They are right about the lack of flavor, but their presence is still a nuisance — especially when your parents start loudly bragging about your older sister’s robotics program at MIT. Don’t worry, though, because you have the whole weekend to convince your parents that you’re the prodigy instead, not just the “quirky” liberal arts sibling used for comic relief. 

Pisces

Your situationship wants you to meet his parents, but he still won’t commit to you. He’s led you on for too long, and it’s time to get revenge for all of the gaslighting he put you through. Try out his techniques of lovebombing this weekend … not on him, but on his parents. Make them absolutely adore you, right before publicly dumping him inside of Sterling. The vaulted ceilings will echo your rejection like a Shakespearean tragedy. Iconic.