‘Tis the season of finals and fa-la-la-la-la! The holiday spirit seems to be lacking around campus, and of course, the stars are to blame.
Mercury has been in retrograde since Nov. 15, causing all sorts of mishap and miscommunication just in time for the end of the semester. That’s why you accidentally got into an argument with your great-uncle at Thanksgiving dinner. He thought you asked who he voted for in the presidential election, but you just wanted him to pass the gravy.
Hopefully there won’t be a rematch at Christmas since Mercury will return to its normal orbit on Dec. 15. Brighter, jollier days may be up ahead.
This is what your holiday horoscope says about you:
Aries
Make the Grinch proud and steal the show at your next holiday party by getting plastered. Although drinking too much eggnog is a slippery slope, it’s highly encouraged since it’s the only thing that’ll be warming you up this winter.
Taurus
The holiday season is about spending time with family and being grateful for their presence in our lives, but your presence isn’t the gift you think it is. Make sure to especially thank your loved ones for dealing with your stubbornness all year.
Gemini
It appears the 12 grapes you ate during last New Year’s celebration have not worked. Now you’re panicking because not even the Yale Marriage Pact could find someone to keep up with your dual personalities. Better luck next year!
Cancer
No one has let you on aux in over a month, and rightfully so. You’ve been insufferable since the beginning of November because you always play Christmas music too early. There’s only so many times someone can listen to Mariah Carey before they lose their minds and the Christmas spirit.
Leo
You overspent on Black Friday by splurging on items that were only 10 percent off and now you have no money left to buy gifts for your friends. Once again you’ll be flaking out of Secret Santa in a Scrooge-like fashion. Ba humbug! You should really fix this habit as part of your New Year’s resolution.
Virgo
Put down the advent calendar, and try deep breathing exercises. You’re taking away holiday cheer by obsessing over minor details like the fact that it barely snows anymore. Relax. You can’t control climate change, so don’t let it control you. Use your extensive planning skills to create your own winter wonderland at home.
Libra
It’s a good idea for you to invest in proper winter gear even though you’re in denial about the seasons changing. Don’t let the New Englanders in basketball shorts fool you. There’s no use in trying to manifest warmer weather by wearing crop tops. I promise, you’re still a baddie even if you’re all bundled up.
Scorpio
Rather than wondering who is going to kiss you under the mistletoe, you should reflect on whether you’ve been naughty or nice this year. And no, not that kind of naughty. Don’t focus on that when you should be making amends with the people you’ve done wrong.
Sagittarius
You love this time of year because it gives you an excuse to watch your favorite Hallmark movies while being judged slightly less than normal. If you ever get bored of the same plot, try Netflix instead. They use the same actors, but Lacey Chabert is really spicing things up in Hot Frosty.
Capricorn
You hate going home for the holidays because it means forced social interactions with distant relatives you have nothing in common with. I recommend stuffing your face with sugar cookies to avoid having to speak to your weird cousins. (Spoiler alert, they don’t actually care that you go to Yale.)
Aquarius
Cuffing season has surprisingly led to some happy endings, but not for you. Looks like you’ll be spending this winter cold and alone. Or maybe not? Your hometown hookup – otherwise known as the ghost of Christmas past — might come back to haunt you.
Pisces
You like December, not because of the holidays, but because you’ve been waiting for the most important day of the year when Spotify wrapped is released. You use the “data” to psychoanalyze yourself and others, but that diagnosis is not valid. Ask Santa for therapy instead!