Mark Chung

What do you call a worker who is poked and prodded all day, required to create endless internet content and forced to pose and smile for the entertainment of spoiled teenagers? 

The answer: Handsome Dan XIX. Or, as his allies know him, Kingman.

Handsome Dan, our campus treasure, does not live the idyllic life that’s publicized on his social media accounts. He lives in an endless cycle of backbreaking, exhausting, anxiety-inducing work for nothing but a spare treat here and there. Shackled around the clock, Handsome Dan is not a member of society, free to chase after his own American dream. Instead, he’s a mere commodity, not even afforded the dignity of being called by his own given name. Worse, he has to watch hundreds of other New Haven dogs walk free on uncalloused paws, with nothing on their agenda but meals, naps and belly rubs. After all, all dogs are equal, but some are more equal than others.

The job of being Yale’s majestic mascot hasn’t been easy for any of the Handsome Dans of the past. Several Handsome Dans have been kidnapped by students at rival schools. One Handsome Dan was fired under the farce of “bad temperament” (though those close to the situation have hinted that he may have been fired for expressing political messages contrary to Yale’s agenda). In the past, Dans have been trained to express polarizing social views, such as Handsome Dan XIII, who was known for playing dead when asked whether he would rather die or root for Harvard. What draconian techniques were required to condition Handsome Dan into such hatred?

Kingman joins a long line of victims of heinous crimes, crippling physical ailments, and traumatic on-the-job injuries. Nearly a victim of a fatal drowning, Handsome Dan IX took a traumatic fall off the dock at the Yale Boathouse. Handsome Dan VI passed away as a result of stress caused by fireworks at a Yale-Harvard game (though disrespectful rumors allege that he actually died out of shame as a result of Harvard’s victory.) Handsome Dans XIV, XV and XVII perished due to heart attacks following long and stressful unpaid mascot careers.

Go ahead and check for yourself — none of these Handsome Dans received workers’ compensation, and no one thought to file wrongful death lawsuits or even sue Yale for intentional infliction of emotional distress.

Handsome Dan has been robbed of his legal protections under the cornerstone labor rights laws of the United States of America. Without opposable thumbs and the power of speech, he can’t take collective action against Yale, although the National Labor Relations Act of 1935 gives him the right. He can’t sue his employer under the Fair Labor Standards Act, even though he works far beyond 40 hours per week and isn’t even four years old yet. He can’t sue Yale for forced labor via physical restraint as detailed in 18 US Code Section 1589, and you better believe the Occupational Safety and Health Administration isn’t doing inspections of Handsome Dan’s workplace. Can anyone be sure that President McInnis hasn’t paid federal workers’ rights regulators to look the other way when Handsome Dan’s bones creak under the pressure of his job responsibilities? 

If we can’t seek legal protection for Dan, we can at least demand he receive royalties for the use of his name, image and likeness in Yale promotional materials. He deserves at least that, after over a thousand posts on Instagram, constant photo ops with Yale Athletic teams and the emotional labor of thousands of undergrads petting him instead of going to therapy.

Handsome Dan can’t speak for himself — we all must stand with him and call for his legal protection as an essential part of Yale culture. Maybe you’ll read this story as satire. Or maybe you’ll join us in this fight. 

Handsome Dans of the world, you have nothing to lose but your leashes! 

Bulldog Mascots of the World, Unite!