Pining after your FroCo? Dying to get on the orgy panlist? Sick of seeing khakis on men? You’re in luck! Welcome to Sex on the WKND, YDN’s anonymous column dedicated to answering your burning questions about sex, love and anything in between. Obsessing over sex is a Yale tradition as old as the Oldest College Daily itself. This year, we have a love-guru columnist who has done it all — including everyone on the aforementioned orgy panlist — and is ready to share. Whether you have a seminar with a hookup-gone-wrong or accidentally sent a raunchy text to your chemistry study group, Sex on the WKND is ready to help. Don’t be shy. Submit your anonymous questions, stories, and tips here.
Dear Sex on the WKND,
My boyfriend keeps referencing our 70 year old religious studies professor while we hook up! It makes me a little uncomfortable, but he says he’s just really stressed about the final exam.
Sincerely,
Concerned
First of all, he’s not just stressed about the final exam – let’s just get that out of the way. I am sorry. I know how hard it can be to be hooking up with someone who does not share the same kinks as yours—particularly when it involves someone who looks like your great, great aunt. But, unfortunately readers, the more hookups you have the more likely you are to try something you don’t enjoy. I always say I’ll try anything once, but for you, I might make an exception.
Yale is filled with people with all different tastes and preferences. That’s what makes the school so special…some might have a stacks kink (mild) or want to bump fronts while balancing on a lab stool with the head researcher (hot, hot, HOT!)
Now, I can’t explain to you why your boyfriend wants to mate with meemaw … but there may have been signs from the very beginning. Did his common app essay center around his volunteer service at the old folks home? Does he self-identify as an “old soul?”
I usually don’t suggest this but maybe go through his search history? Or, you just ignore the problem entirely and play into it. Next time he hits you with a comment about your professor, try promising you’ll cut retinol from your skincare routine.
For now, I am going to help out a broader audience and attempt to characterize the four different types of — let’s face it — off putting hookup styles you may come across on Yale’s campus. Surprise is usually the worst aspect of an unexpected journey, hopefully this will ease the pain.
Just like the four children in the Passover Haggadah, there are the four types of people in bed:
1. The Gamer
Ancient history suggests that the population of these types are most concentrated on and around Lake Place. The gamer loves a challenge—and they’re always on the prowl for their next matchup.
No one quite knows the rules of the gamer’s game (maybe ask the Yale Men’s Hockey Team) or if there is a prize other than bragging rights. Still, the information I have gathered will help you identify your next gamer, if that’s what you’re into (or not).
They love to try out new positions. Have you ever heard of “The Flying Squirrel?” Yeah… I hadn’t either.
Another rule of the game seems to be how fast they can finish their task. Well, I haven’t exactly deduced if this is erotic or they are genuinely confusing sports with sex. Your coach is not watching and there is no reason to be moving your arms that fast—SLOW DOWN. The Gamer might also get a bit rough. Again, I don’t really know if this is part of the game.
2. The Lovebird
Now this type doesn’t hook up — they make love. They will ask you to Champagne and Shackles while taking your underwear off. The very word “fuck” makes them cringe. The Lovebird is all about intimacy. Eye contact. Hand holding. Long cuddles after the act. Pillow talk ranges from “what did this mean to you?” to “I want you to meet my parents.” The Lovebird is who we all think we want – but be wary of the half that just have insecure attachment styles. I thought I had a Lovebird once, but then he ended things because he was “afraid of commitment” ever since his past situationship. Yeah, it didn’t make sense to me either. As for the other half: you can only have sex in missionary so many times before it gets boring.
3. The Crier
This type can’t help getting emotional mid-act. Sometimes it’s a singular tear. Sometimes, it’s a full blown meltdown. Why? We’ve heard it all. They’re not over an ex. They have mommy issues. You remind them too much of the girl best friend they’re totally not in love with. They lost their most recent game of paddle. There could be many reasons for this one, and usually I would say don’t ask and just leave.
4. The Silent One
First, have you considered if your partner is on SSRIs? The pill? Are you just bad in bed and they won’t give you gratification by faking it? If none of these apply, read on:
You make eyes across the Luther backyard. Confidence bolstered by cheap vodka shots, you approach each other. You talk without really saying anything. You head back to their place. You hook up. They’re silent, so you’re silent. After the act, nothing’s said either.
My advice: don’t bother trying too hard with this type. Some things are better left unsaid.
