Maria Arozamena, Illustrations Editor
As a woman in the rural South, I grew up with the assumption that I would meet my future husband at college. Not necessarily in a “ring-by-spring” or “Mrs.” fashion, but as a nice bonus to add to my college experience, a class ring made ever more visible by a neighboring engagement ring. Many of my friends from high school are engaged now. When I travel back home it is not uncommon for my counterparts to ask “how have you not found love at Yale?”
Instead of responding, I’d usually laugh the question off. But, the answer is a lot more complex than one would think. Even in high school I knew the qualifications of someone I would want to be with long-term: smart, interested and attractive — even slightly ugly would do. The laundry list of qualifications for a partner that I carried around in high school used to seem picky, like a partner who would talk for hours about niche politics. But at Yale, the qualities I hold steadfast — intellectual ones — are common amongst Yale singles. Lucky me! Right? You would think so, but no.
When everyone seems marginally appealing, it becomes harder to decipher the ones that are meant for me. Everyone here is smart. A lot of people here are attractive. Beyond that, people at Yale are all somewhat of an anomaly. People are ambitious in their pursuit whether that be after a high-income career in finance, a start-up, academia or some notable common good career. At home, as an ambitious woman, I would have to worry about finding someone else who can match my pace in a relationship and in life, who wont slow me down. At Yale, I have new problems.
The issue with such a near-perfect group of people is that having so many qualifications makes many people hold out for something better than what is in front of them. I’ve been guilty of it and so have many of my friends. You meet someone who is perfectly great at Yale,, someone who used to be enough, and suddenly, whether someone says it or the thought lies in your subconscious, you wonder, what if I can do better? Yale is an insulated environment, so what if there is more than this? What if I commit and it isn’t right and I’ve wasted all this time with the wrong person, when I could have been out dating other people at Yale?
It’s hard to get over these thoughts. Some people’s solutions are open-relationships or simply deciding not to commit and enjoy their college years. Some seniors have enjoyed this lifestyle and don’t regret it.
The “specialness” of the students at Yale is perhaps the downfall of long-term relationships. When you’re here, after you get over imposter syndrome, there’s the pervasive thought that there must be something better. However, depending on where you end up for post-grad, you’ll find out that maybe being an Ivy-League graduate isn’t that special of a quality at all. In banking, consulting, big law and other high-income careers in New York and D.C., you might come to realize that the sneaking thought that you were special as a Yale student and deserving of something infinitely better than what was in front of you was ridiculous. Of course, you’re still special and you’ve still got a degree a small percentage of people have, but it’s not just this group of around 5,500 students with those qualifications. The people you thought you could do better than probably thought the same about you.
I guess this is a long way of saying that sometimes we need to get over ourselves. When you’re always reaching for something more, you don’t realize what you have. It’s a common lesson that you’ve been taught since grade school, but it still holds true, and especially applies to love at Yale. I’m not saying that you should be inclined to give everyone a chance or that your considerations should go out the door. However, in many cases, we get so wrapped up in who we will be in the future, we forget that we aren’t all of that now.
We could do a lot better for ourselves at Yale by letting our ego take a backseat, judging people by their character and not qualifications they seem to have. As I begin senior year, I have been trying to stop making judgements about whether or not I think other people will like me, or if I will like them.
My best relationships have been formed when I have acknowledged that everyone around me is special. In all of the planning and trying to build the life we want, it’s important to acknowledge just how great the people around us are. We only get four years to be this closely surrounded by people so similar to ourselves.