Thanksgiving is a time to gather with loved ones, reflect on what we’re thankful for and enjoy a little break from school. And who could forget the annual tradition of listening to intoxicated relatives argue over politics, babbling incoherently like the turkey did before it was slaughtered, stuffed with bread and incinerated.

Don’t get me wrong, civil discourse is crucial to maintaining a decent society, but sometimes politics more closely resemble a chimpanzee colloquium. This year, we should focus our dinner conversation on what is really important — poultry politics.

Later this month, two special birds will make their pilgrimage from Minnesota to the White House for the National Thanksgiving Turkey Presentation. There, a renowned poultry expert from Delaware, who also happens to be the President of the United States, Joe Biden will perform the important task of naming the two birds. His names thus far have been Peanut Butter and Jelly, and Chocolate and Chip. After they are bestowed with their magnificent names, one of these two turkeys will receive the gift of life and avoid its brethren’s grim fate. President Biden will issue this special bird a Presidential Pardon, endowing it with godlike status as the most important American political figure of all: The Pardoned Turkey. While the other turkey will also be spared from the death penalty, it must serve life imprisonment at a children’s farm.

Many animals have been gifted to and named by American Presidents. Calvin Coolidge was gifted two lion cubs which he named Budget Bureau and Tax Reduction, a bear he named ‘Bruno’ and a Thanksgiving raccoon he spared and called Rebecca.

On Nov. 19, 1963, President Kennedy became one of the first presidents to spare a turkey, an absolute unit that weighed 55 lbs and outlived him. He pardoned the turkey just three days before his assassination! However, it was not JFK, the Harvard graduate, whose genius devised the title of The Pardoned Turkey. Renowned Yalie George H.W. Bush was the first President to formally pardon a turkey in 1989. While the first Bush didn’t name his turkey, another Yalie did. Bill Clinton named his first pardoned turkey Tom, establishing naming as an integral part of the National Thanksgiving Turkey Presentation. George W. Bush, the third Yalie in a row, continued this tradition, cementing it as a longstanding institution in American culture.

Of course, the Yale-pardoned Turkeys had the best names. Clinton chose elegant names, such as, Carl, Harry The Turkey, and — who could forget — Jerry The Turkey. Carl was such a turkey-ish turkey that he required no title. Clinton’s 1997 Pardoned Turkey was even more of an absolute unit than JFK’s, weighing 60 lbs. George W. Bush thought of witty pairs, such as Stars and Stripes, Biscuits and Gravy, May and Flower, and Liberty and Freedom. 

In typical Harvard fashion, President Obama miserably failed with his Pardoned Turkeys. He named his first turkeys Courage and Carolina, which don’t go together. The 2010 birds didn’t even survive until the next Thanksgiving. And he blatantly stole Bush’s name of ‘Liberty’ in 2011.

So it’s time for Yalies to name the turkeys again! By surveying the campus community, we have gathered some top recommendations: Salt and Pepper, Phineas and Ferb, Sterling and Bass, SpongeBob and Patrick, Biscuits and Gravy and Chicken and Waffles. We hope President Biden takes our data-based, expert opinions into consideration. While Saturday will tell which school is better at football, we know for certain Yale has superior turkey names.