Are you tired of the hassle of a fully committed relationship, with its shared responsibilities, mutual respect and genuine emotional connection? Do you prefer the thrill of wondering where you stand with your partner and if they’re secretly in love with someone else? If your answer to both of those questions is yes, congratulations, you might be ready to become — as Ken puts it in the Barbie movie — a long term, long distance, low commitment, casual girlfriend. So, without further ado, I present you with the “Long Term, Long Distance, Low Commitment, Casual Girlfriend Handbook.”

Chapter 1: The art of being mysteriously, unreasonably unavailable

To master the art of being a long-term, long-distance, low-commitment, casual girlfriend, you must always keep your partner guessing. Start by sending cryptic text messages that leave your partner deciphering your intentions. To keep things exciting, you might consider disappearing for days at a time; the more frequent this happens, the better. Nothing says “casual” like an air of mystery, leaving your partner wondering whether you’re dating each other or are just in a real-life game of hide and seek.

Chapter 2: Emphasizing the virtual relationship

In today’s world, physical proximity is overrated. You don’t need to spend quality time in person to keep the relationship alive. Your after 11 p.m. visits to their place are more than enough. Now, you must embrace the digital age, just think about how many apps you have to choose from. Snapchat sounds like the ideal tool for conveying feelings in 10-second snippets, and sending Instagram reels of cute pets is unbeatable in maintaining a low-level connection. Don’t worry, you don’t need to have any meaningful conversations for this to work out. Turn technology into your playground, minimize discussing deep thoughts and feelings so you can free up more time for endless scrolling through TikToks together.

Chapter 3: The power of non-commitment

Commitment is for the weak, and you obviously know that since you’re reading this guide, so avoid it at all costs. The moment your partner starts talking about “the future” or “where this is going,” change the subject, or better yet, start a monologue that goes for hours without actually saying anything. You can talk about anything here: your childhood, your favorite flavor of ice cream, if you’re feeling it you can even go for a rose-bud-thorn of your day … After all, how different is this conversation from your nightly FroCo meetings, right? You might also want to go back and change your mind about what you said last week to keep things spicy and your partner’s head spinning. Remember, the best relationships are those that always leave you wondering if you’re wasting your time.

Chapter 4: Building the emotional rollercoaster

Every successful long term, long distance, low commitment, casual girlfriend knows that emotional rollercoasters are the key to healthy situationships. One day, be sweet and affectionate, showering your partner with love and attention; the next day, become distant and unresponsive, leaving them confused and desperate for your attention. It’s like playing a game of emotional Jenga, always on the verge of collapse. If your partner starts becoming distant and unresponsive too, don’t worry — this is where the game gets more fun (healthy, I meant, healthy!). Now you get to convince them that nothing is wrong and the list of creative excuses for a Yale student is endless: will you choose to be busy with coursework, caught up by side projects, or maybe your dog needs a haircut … As I said, the opportunities are endless.

Chapter 5: Maintaining the self-doubt diet

In a healthy situationship, you must stay perpetually uncertain about where you stand. Regularly question your worth, attractiveness and desirability. This will ensure that your self-esteem stays as low as your commitment level. This sense of self-doubt is at the heart of your relationship, making sure neither you nor your partner gets too sure about where things are going. Don’t forget to check this metric regularly, as it’s the foundation for the charming push and pull that characterizes your one-of-a-kind connection.

But more importantly, have fun! After all, you’re everything and he’s just Ken.