Lizzie Conklin

I have had enough. I have had enough of itchy arms and legs. Enough of a pimple shaped bump on my face that isn’t actually a pimple but looks the same no less. I just went outside — fully clothed — and they still found the covert gap between my socks and the bottom of my pants. Now, my ankles are swollen and misery is my name. The entirety of my legs are covered in small pink and white scars from the times I fought back. I’m no ROTC kid, but oh boy do I have battle scars. 

Today, I finally take my stand. I don’t want to smell like insect repellent anymore. I don’t want DEET soaking into my pores. And by the way — the “DEET-free” repellents? A scam! Fraudulent! 

One time in middle school I bought the Victoria’s Secret Bombshell perfume because I read on Pinterest that it’s a scent that also repels mosquitoes. The Off! bottle with its bright orange nozzle was haunting my dreams. I wanted out — hell, I needed it — and I was convinced that Victoria held the secret to my emancipation. But then I bought the perfume and wore it maybe twice and I don’t believe it did much anyway other than give me that sly satisfaction for pulling off a purchase from a store my mom told me I couldn’t shop at until I was older.

In recent years, it’s only gotten worse — or maybe it’s something with the Yale Mosquitoes™. Last week was particularly rough. I had multiple occurrences of them creeping up from beneath my chair or bench to nibble away in secret. All while I was simply trying to enjoy an abnormally hot September day!

Sometimes they’ll even be extra sneaky, relishing in the game of it. After I sat on a picnic blanket for half an hour unscathed one day, I returned home in victory and celebration, pumping  my fist in the air like someone who just won a silver medal. And then it happened. I started itching. First, it was mindless, but five minutes later I noticed it all. I was covered in bites, all from a scheming little mosquito who followed me inside and waited to attack just to spite me. I was outsmarted — by a bug! The stench of defeat overpowered that of the bug spray. 

Friends, readers, seekers of freedom: the time is nigh. Enough is enough — abolish mosquitoes! Pull your support! Relinquish fear and apprehension! Love is indeed — maybe — the most important thing in the world, but direct it elsewhere! If we stick together and put up a strong front, I believe that we’ll stand a chance. Eliminate contact, abolish mosquitoes. Together, we can.