Michelle Foley

“Are you sure this is the right place?” 

I stare up at entryway B of Vanderbilt Hall on Old Campus, skeptical. The air has the characteristic chill of New England fall that I’m not used to, and I rub the gooseflesh that raises along my arms.

My roommate Kate stands next to me, brow furrowed as she looks at her phone. “That’s what the text said. ‘Woads Pregame at 10, Vandy B51.’” She flashes me the screen. 

“Well, can you text Prisha and tell her to let us in? We don’t have swipe.”

***

“Sorry, it’s tight,” Prisha apologizes as she leads us through the crowd. It smells like mangoes; she must’ve picked up fresh produce. We follow her to the window bench that overlooks the Vanderbilt courtyard. I’m sure the view is stunning in the daylight, but now it’s obstructed by a stack of red solo cups and a near-empty bottle of Tito’s. Prisha frowns as she picks it up. 

“What the fuck. This was full when I left.”

“You only got one?” Kate asks.

Prisha’s cheeks flush. “Well, now we know for next time.” She grabs two cups and splits the last of the Tito’s between them before she hands them to us.

 “Here. That’s about a shot, right?”

I stare at the clear liquid at the bottom of my cup. It’s definitely more than a shot, but I’m not complaining. I clink cups with Kate, imitating the partygoers from all of the teen rom-coms I used to watch, and we link arms. 

“Bottoms up.” Together, we toss the shot back. 

For half a second, I feel fine. Then my throat is burning and I’m coughing oh my god why is it burning I’m gagging I feel funny my entire body is shivering and Kate is hitting me on the back and it’s gone. The feeling passes, and I’m fine. 

Kate and Prisha stare at me, concerned. “Are you good?”

I let out one last tiny cough, then nod.

Kate grabs my empty cup and stacks it inside of hers. “Geez. You took that like it was your first shot.” When I don’t say anything, she laughs. 

“It was. Of course it was.”

Someone next to Prisha strikes up a conversation with her, and Kate and I huddle together. “So,” she says, as the song changes to some weird club remix of Love Story by Taylor Swift. “You ready for our first Woads?”

My mouth opens to respond until I see him: Connor McCoy, the tall, brown-haired soccer recruit from my froco group.

Kate follows my gaze, and a grin spreads across her lips.

 “Oh, this is too perfect.”

“I’m not going to talk to him.”

“Why not?”

“Because.” I struggle to find an explanation that bold, pragmatic Kate will understand. “I don’t think he’s into me.”

“We’ve barely been on campus for a week. How would you know?”

“It would be froco-cest,” I try again as she nudges me towards him. “Isn’t that, like, a big no-no?”

“Not if it works out!” She gives me one last nudge before turning away. I make a mental note to kill her later as Connor turns and looks at me.

I’m not sure if it’s his easy smile or if the Tito’s is finally kicking in, but suddenly my body feels all tingly. “Hey. Fancy seeing you here.”

“You too,” I reply. I force my feet to keep moving until I’m standing right next to him. Someone turns up the volume of the music as “Starships” comes on and everyone around us starts singing. I wince. “They better keep it down or we’re gonna get busted.”

His mouth moves, but I can’t hear what he’s saying. 

“What?”

He leans in closer to me, and I try to ignore how small the gap between us is. My stomach ties itself in knots as he whispers in my ear. 

“You want a hit?”

“What?”

He holds up a plastic rectangle. A vape. 

That explains the mangoes. “No thanks,” I say as he takes another hit. He exhales, and his breath smells like mango and alcohol. A stack of empty cups sits on the table next to him, and I find myself wondering if they were all his. 

I try to force the conversation, but I don’t have to. “I like your top.” He nods at the black tank top I’m wearing.

“Thanks. It’s Kate’s.”

“Really? It looks like it was made for you.”

I try to fight the fire that rushes into my cheeks at his words. “Thank you.”

He leans in a little closer. “How’s your night been so far?”

I shrug, my face still aflame. “Pretty good. I mean, it just started, we didn’t really know if we were gonna come until like half an hour ago.”

“Well I’m glad you decided to come.”

“Yeah?” A smile spreads across my face. “Why is that?”

“Because if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have gotten to see you.” He threads his arm around my waist, and the rest of the pregame seems to fall away. All I can hear is my pounding heart and all I can see is Connor McCoy and his perfect smile and perfect jawline and perfect lips that are inching ever so closer to mine, and then we’re kissing and it’s perfect. He is perfect. We are perfect.

Needless to say, I don’t make it to Woads that night.

***

“Hey, Connor!”

Connor looks over his shoulder as I jog to catch up with him and his roommate, Stephen. He waves at Stephen to go ahead, and we fall in step. His smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Hey. What’s up?” 

I do my best to ignore the tsunami that’s terrorizing my stomach. “I just wanted to catch up, after the other night. I had a lot of fun,” I say quickly.

He hesitates before replying. “Yeah. Me too.”

“And I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to grab a meal sometime? I know I texted you about it the other night, but it’s been a few days and you haven’t replied, so I figured maybe it didn’t send or something.” The words pour from my lips faster than sand through a too-big sieve. They have to, or else I might not have the courage to say them at all.

I try not to stare as Connor runs a hand through his hair. 

“Yeah, I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you about that.”

“About… the other night?”

“Yeah.” He stops walking and angles his body to face mine. “I just want to make sure you didn’t get the wrong idea.”

“The wrong idea about…”

“I mean, you know.” His gaze darts from tree to tree, from building to building, but never meets my eyes. “I just… I think you’re really cool and all, and I’d love to be friends and get to know you more. But I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.”

A sharp pain shoots into my chest, right where my heart is. Every thought leaves my brain and every bone in my body aches, exhausted as the weight of his words settle over me. 

I’m not looking for anything serious.

So that was it. The moment that I’ve been reliving every day since it happened was “a one time thing,” never to happen again.

My entire mouth has gone dry, but I pry my lips open and force myself to speak.

“That’s fine.”

“You understand?”

“Yeah. I’m not looking for anything serious right now, either.” The lie tastes sour. 

Connor flashes me another smile, this one more relaxed. Relieved. “Good, glad we’re on the same page. See you at the next froco meeting?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world!” Stupid stupid stupid, my brain repeats as he strides away. Of course I wouldn’t miss our froco meeting. It’s mandatory.

When I finally reach my dorm, Kate is perched on our common room couch, grinning. “So? How’d it go, Mrs. McCoy?”

I open my mouth to reply, but the words get caught in my throat. Tears prick my eyes and I try to blink them away, but one spills out and onto my cheek.

Kate’s smile falters and in an instant she’s by my side, wrapping her arms around me as my tears wet her shoulder. “He’s an idiot.” 

“He’s not an idiot. He just doesn’t like me.”

“Which makes him an idiot.” She pulls away and puts her hands on my shoulders, forcing me to look at her. “We might not have known each other for long, but already you’ve become one of the most incredible people in my life. You’re kind, smart, funny, gorgeous—the total package. And any guy who doesn’t see that is an idiot.”

“Idiot or not, I’m still gonna have to see him all the time.” I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. “I mean, he lives two floors below us. Plus there’s froco meetings, family dinner… what do I even say to him?”

“All you have to do is say ‘hey’ and move on. You don’t owe him anything.” She gives me a smile, but all I can do is sigh.

“No, like … how am I supposed to even look at him after this? It’s mortifying.”

“It’s not mortifying. You did nothing wrong.”

My eyes start to sting again. “I just feel so stupid.” 

She pulls me close again, and I bury my head in her shoulder. “You’re not stupid. And I promise you, it won’t feel like this forever. One day, you’ll meet someone who is worthy of all the wonderful things you have to offer. But until then, we’ll get through this together.” 

I squeeze her tight. “I don’t deserve you.” She squeezes me back.

 “He doesn’t deserve you.” We stay like that for a few seconds longer, just holding each other, before I pull away and wipe my eyes. 

“You know, maybe this isn’t all bad,” she continues. “I think we learned a valuable lesson from this.”

She hands me a tissue, and I take it. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Yale men suck.”

Despite my tears, I let out a laugh—not because it’s funny, but because it’s true. “You’re right. Yale men suck. But let’s be real: we’re gonna keep pursuing them.”

“Oh, of course. And we’ll just keep getting our hearts broken.”

“Probably.” I take her hand and give it one final squeeze. “But with you by my side? I think I can get through anything.”