Clarissa Tan

Aries

Feeling frustrated? Take it out on your suitemates! Now is the time to put yourself first. You were born to crush these midterms – and maybe the people around you in the process.

Taurus

Skip that class. If you nap for long enough, the readings you have due tomorrow will simply cease to exist. It’s true – I read it in the stars.

Gemini

You’re having a terrible week because I said so. I don’t trust you – you literally have two faces. Sorry, but not really sorry.

Cancer

Midterms are well underway, meaning you’re probably going to spend the majority of this week trying not to cry. Spoiler alert: it won’t work. Cue the waterworks.

Leo

We’ve gotten to the point in the semester where you’ve realized you’re just a small fish in the big pond. If that’s not the case, sorry to have broken the news to you! Your ego will cope.

Virgo

You’re probably in the midst of a nervous breakdown. Embrace the mess. After all, you have absolutely no other choice! The only way out is through.

Libra

It’s your season. You’re almost definitely thriving right now, and I kind of resent you for it. Enjoy your birthday dinner at Harvest while the rest of us go down in flames.

Scorpio

The imminent prospect of Halloween is the only thing keeping you going right now. Cling onto that hope and don’t let go. School might be kicking your ass, but you bet your goth makeup will put everyone to shame come Oct. 31.

Sagittarius

Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Good job on tuning out the noise – your liver might not thank you, but your sanity’s staying intact! At least until your GPA comes in.

Capricorn

It’s recruiting season for finance, but you already knew that. I have literally no other news for you. Do we even go to the same school?

Aquarius

What’s going on with you? Where even are you right now? Call your mom. She misses you.

Pisces

Now is not the time for introspection. Go people-watching on Cross Campus and be reminded of how ugly Handsome Dan is. I promise, it’ll make you feel better.

MARS ADAMS