Jessai Flores

Dear Cupid,

Seriously? You had one job and you couldn’t even do that. Valentine’s Day is coming up fast and you’re slacking off. I never ask anything from you, and the one time I do, you tell me you’re out of your special love arrows. How does that even happen? Isn’t Artemis your cousin or something? Whatever. The point is, Valentine’s Day is supposed to be giving love, romance and capitalism. All you’re giving me is time to “be by myself” and “practice mindfulness.” The only thing on my mind is how I’m gonna shove your bow up your a$$ if you don’t help me out ASAP!

Like seriously, you know there’s nothing on the calendar for the 14. Why do you expect me to actually form a connection with someone? Confess my feelings for them? I have to be real with you, man, Valentine’s Day is not usually for me. Gifts and chocolate and flowers are not the way to my heart. If it were that easy, my back would’ve been arching a long time ago. I need someone with a big, fat, juicy personality, obviously that’s what really matters <3 But after my experience the other day, I can truly say that I’ve changed…

It was a typical snowy January day, God’s dandruff was all around me. As usual, I was on the streets. I saw a sweet couple, holding hands, laughing. They looked as if they were coming straight out of a Hallmark movie — yes, they were white. Afterwards, I was feeling fine and had a healthy amount of disgust for the PDA I just witnessed. But once I got back to my place, something overcame my mind. I got down on my knees and said, “Hey God, it’s me again. When is it my turn to be happy?” Before you knew it, I realized that I don’t even believe in God. Hell, I wasn’t even down bad, I was just down atrocious. Could you please help me stand up and make me not so weak in the knees? All I’m looking for is just one special someone, only one Valentine who will love me unconditionally and accept me for all of my flaws, preferably for the rest of my life. You know I never ask for too much. I’ll Venmo you back, I promise. Cupid, I need your special sauce.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration, I hope to hear from you soon (or else)!

Good night streaks,

Miserable in Missouri