Response #1: I’m not one for revelry, you know? I’m just not really a “ra-ra” person. I’m more like a “let’s take sips of wine from our Nalgenes with duct tape and talk about fucking existence and say ‘fuck’ a lot and talk about how shitty global warming is” person.
Response #2: I’m so busy right now like NO I know you’re busy but I’m like sooo slammed I’m watching Netflix on double speed and having business casual meetings with other student organization chief executives and just like ugh.
Response #3: I’m so broke! After I went on Daddy’s plane to Paris I went a little crazy in Hermes and now I’m just so broke it’s embarrassing. I can’t afford a hot dog and I’ll just starve to death here, but you guys have fun!
Response #4: Did I mention that I write for the YDN and we have this party where we shake each other’s hands and go, “Last week? That was some good shit man. Like some really brave stuff you wrote there. You braveheart.” Then we take sips of wine from the bottle and forget parts of headlines.
Response #5: I’m planning the JCC Halloween Party and do you know how many hours it takes to plan the cocktail-free cocktail hour?! There is JUST so much to coordinate. I’m like “The Wedding Planner” but without Matthew McConaughey it’s just like me and my earpiece and my crazy clients. Oh wait they’re YOU. Where’s my coffee and where is the gratitude? I need some dripping-with-gratitude-and-admiration Facebook posts to get me through, for Lord’s sake.
Response #6: Nahh dude I’m the bouncer for my frat but like it’s chill I’ll get you in. Like I hate telling people “No,” but I also love it, get it? It’s like, “Nah you can’t party with us but you’re looking better than last week maybe next time lose the Converse though and find some babes.”
Response #7: My partner won’t do a couple’s costume and it’s like, “Do you think you’re an autonomous individual?” Like last year we were Alpha Phi and Chi Psi and this year it’s like do you still love me? I don’t know. I just really don’t know.
Response #8: Someone has to be the suite mom and while I hate saying, “Guys, it’s me. Super Mom. I got him,” and being the hero and all, someone has to.
Response #9: I’m having game night and baking cookies and listening to Frankie Valli records with Dark Lagers. No, you’re not invited. It’s only for off-campus friends and I’m sorry if we know how to live. Grow up losers.
Response #10: I have two free hours so I’m Metro-Northing to New York. I’m only me when I’m at the center of it all. I just can’t be in New Haven for a whole week because honestly where are we? Sorry if I don’t want to catch Lyme disease. Anyhow, in New York I’m just in the middle of culture and real life and I’m sorry I can’t miss Gordon Ramsay’s new restaurant. Also only half my friends from HoraceMannDaltonCollegiateFieldstonTrinityRegis go here and I only see the other half at The Game so we have some catching up to do!
Response #11: I have a match tomorrow and if the Squash team doesn’t win Yale will cease to exist. Active duty isn’t easy.
Response #12: Hey Satan! I don’t do paganism. Some people still know what the inside of a church looks like.
DAISY MASSEY | email@example.com .