It is with great, undeserved pride that we welcome you to celebrate our vast, unbridled wealth at the Bar Mitzvah of Zachary Joshua Stein II. We are humbled and honored.

The ceremony will take place at Temple We Think We Stand With Israel on December 13. We reserved this date before his bris, so you better fucking be there. Please arrive at the synagogue by 10 a.m. for the holistic group meditation led by the congregation’s resident yogini.

We do ask that you silence all cell phones so as to be present for Zachary’s special moment. The service will be live tweeted to 100 countries. A day care will be set up downstairs with a hypoallergenic petting zoo for our energetically endowed children. Healthy snacks will be provided. Please see the attached checklist to indicate what diet your child is on: low-sugar, no-nuts, Paleo, gluten-free, raw, or other.

The Advanced Gospel Choir from the Martin Luther King Charter School will open the ceremony with “Oseh Shalom,” a prayer for world peace. We ask that you hold hands with your neighbor and celebrate your differences. Please tell your neighbors one thing you find morally or physically repugnant about them and then hug them. After attending services every High Holy Day since sixth grade (except Yizkor, of course), Zachary feels eager and ready to lead the Jewish community. Zachary will chant his Torah portion in English because he has attention deficits while speaking

Hebrew. He will then give The Speech, which he has been working on for three months along with a team of former presidential speechwriters. It is at this point that Zachary will tell you about his Mitzvah project. I don’t want to spoil it all, but it was an amazing experience and it made an incredible difference in the world. Let’s just say it began with Zachary building birdhouses in refugee camps and ended with the locals reassembling them. Amazing. Zachary will also tell you about what Judaism means to him and what he means to Judaism and about the rapturous joy polo has brought into his life. Tissues will be provided, courtesy of the Temple We Think We Stand With Israel Sisterhood. Next, there will be a sacrifice of a humanely raised pig. This symbolizes that we keep kosher when we are eating in the synagogue. After 20 minutes, the service will finally be over.

Guests will be asked to quietly exit the sanctuary so as to preserve the holiness of the moment. Zachary’s grandma will stand by as our good family friend, Adam Sandler, blesses the Zachary-shaped challah and the wine from our Napa Valley wine club. The bread is not for eating. At this point you might notice the elephant in the room. The oneg is Cirque du Soleil themed. Acrobats who have been hanging silently from the Venetian chandeliers above you will swoop down to your great delight, wearing fewer clothes than Natalie Portman in the Black Swan lesbian scenes. If you’re so starving at this point that you’re contemplating eating one of the Bengal tigers, or just Zachary, no need! The raw juice bar will soon open. For anyone who still eats, there will be a sushi station in the bathrooms so as to give you anonymity. At this point the guests will be forced to split by age so the young people won’t have to face their mothers’ stares while they text and hook up. The budding adults will be escorted to the roof, where they will board helicopters to take them to Times Square for the reception.

Zachary will land last and be carried onto the stage we’ve set up on the backs of the US Coast Guard, who will be shouting, “Zachary is the man! Zachary is the man!” as the crowd cheers (the bouncers will ensure that everyone gives a goddamned cheer!). His face will be broadcast on the surrounding X1 Intergalactic Infinity Super Sonic screens, and he will point to you, his fan. Then Beyoncé, Chief Dance Motivator, will start the show.

Because each child is a unique snowflake, the party gifts will be individually designed and personalized: a Tesla in a color of their choice! Don’t worry, we’ve already put on the Zachary’s Bar Mitzvah bumper sticker so you remember our generosity every time you leave your house.

Please place gifts at Zachary’s Shrine. Zachary would really love donations to his investment fund. No pressure to give an expensive gift — we love even our poor friends. Just remember the other guests you’re competing with and how much we spent on this party. Your thank-you note will be emailed, if Zachary gets to it. He’s very busy with polo. He’s joined a travel team. The following morning, there will be an 11 a.m. brunch at Yankee Stadium for out-of-town guests and family. Dress is casual.

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