DEAR JACK:

It’s been three weeks since I found the love of my life. Who knew that I would meet my soulmate on the very first night of college? Some may call me foolish, but when you know—you know! My heart and other organs overflow with joy at the thought of her. Our eyes first locked as a viscous stream of half-digested chicken tenders and kale salad flowed from her ruby red lips. The dancing lights of the Saybrook 12-Pack illuminated her face as she whispered to me, “Wanna find a couch?” My heart fluttered. We spent eight beautiful minutes together on my suitemate’s new white futon, but I’ll let the stains tell the rest of that story.

I’m so in love with her and couldn’t be any happier, but sometimes she’s so mysterious. She sends me cryptic notes like, “Hop off my dick, bro,” and “Get a life.” I’m glad she feels close enough to call me a brother, but I don’t think that’s the direction I want to take our relationship. Please help me translate the language of love!

–EIGHT MINUTES IN HEAVEN

DEAR MINI:

Congratulations! There’s no better way to begin your college experience than by embarking upon a serious relationship. The strong foundation of trust and shared experiences that you have built will take this coupling far, but it is understandable that there are growing pains as the thorny rose of romance blossoms. Successful communication can be hard at any stage in a relationship. To shore up love’s foundations, follow these tips:

1. Practice empathy daily. Strive to see things from your partner’s point of view. Walk a mile in her shoes. All you have to do is slide your size-13 men’s feet into her favorite pair of footwear, and you’ll start to embrace your feminine side. Don’t stop there! Wear the clothes she did the night you met her, put on the wig made of her hair that you’ve been working on ever since, gloss your lips with that shade of ruby red you fell in love with. As you strut the six-and-a-half laps around Old Campus in order to complete your mile walk, introduce yourself using her name to everyone you meet. It’s the best way to appreciate the journey she makes each day.

2. Discover her love language. The world was a dark place before 1995, when Dr. Gary Chapman (not a medical doctor) released The Five Love Languages, a guide to understanding the best way your futon-friend experiences love. Does she appreciate quality time? Make sure she feels your damp breath on her neck as you follow her throughout the day! Does she respond well to words of affirmation or gifts? Give her the wig you’ve crafted of her hair as you chant her name. Maybe physical touch or acts of devotion are her thing. Devote yourself to collecting enough hair to make a second wig, so that you’re both wigged out as you make some more stains on your suitemate’s futon.

3. If you love someone, let her go. Discover if, a boomerang to your heart, she returns with the severed head of a kangaroo (otherwise, your love was not meant to be). Free her from the blessing of your love and see how well she survives without the anatomically impossible, erotic watercolors you send to her P.O. Box each week. Hop off her emotional dick, spend time learning to love yourself and finally return her shoes—your size-13 feet never fit in them anyway.

It’s obvious that you have found your soulmate, and that she feels the same. You don’t know how lucky you are. Treasure this gift, and guard it closely; the tides of love never did run smooth, but you’ve embarked on a seaworthy journey. May Aphrodite (the spawn of Uranus’ “sea foam”) bless your course.

Your friend,

Jack