There are actual males in my classes. This is a completely novel situation for me. I went to an all-girls high school. I do not know how to act around all of these boys. They are beautiful creatures in their natural habitat and I want them to love me. I witnessed my first pure bro moment on Nov. 19 at 11:34 a.m. It was magical. Boy #1 was on Facebook and pulled up a picture of a girl, and Boy #2’s eyes rolled back into his head and he shout-whispered, “I would totally bang that piece of butt.” Objectification is truly beautiful. It was an honor to have witnessed that raw, honest moment.
Specifically, there is a boy in my chemistry class. His hair is thick and beautiful and arranges itself in ruffles more perfect than any chip. I CAN’T CONCENTRATE IN CLASS BECAUSE THE ONLY ORGANIC COMPOUND I AM INTERESTED IN IS THE ONE IN HIS PANTS.
Please advise. How do I get him to want my piece of butt?
Dear Thermodynamically Thirsty,
This has never been a problem for me. I am really handsome. Women are just attracted to my golden locks. I can’t explain it. I can’t quantify it. I brought in the best people to try to analyze my condition to try to replicate it and, they — they couldn’t do it. All of the women on “The Apprentice” flirted with me — consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.* I just love beautiful women, and beautiful women love me.* Because of the fact that — like I said earlier — I am really handsome and get things done, I do not know what you want me to say. Be more successful, like me. Sometimes, when I am sleeping with one of the top women in the world, I say to myself, thinking of myself as a boy from Queens, “Can you believe what I am getting?”* You probably can’t make that happen. But that is what happened to me, because I am handsome and own golden locks.
* * *
I just don’t like it here at Yale. I miss my friends, my family, my dog, my toilet.
My main problem is that I literally cannot poo at school. I try, sometimes 6 or 7 times a day, but I just cannot. I have to hold all of my poo until the weekend, when I can drive home to Hartford. I have not pooed for 5 days. The smell of my farts is comparable to getting up close and personal to the compost bins outside of Pierson. And now when I do make it home, the waste feels like it is tearing me apart. Sometimes, I feel like I can hear my once delicate starfish ripping like a poor piece of paper.
I just do not want to be here. I want to be in high school where I used to get As on midterms and not Ds and did not fear loosening sphincters.
Constantly Constipated in Connecticut
Dear Constantly Constipated,
I am really being honest with you. My poo does not smell. My poo is smart and efficient. My poo — and I’m being honest with you here — really comes out in ice-cream-esque swirls. Add a couple of eyes and a mouth and my poo looks exactly like the poo emoji. It is honestly handsome. I am handsome. And smart. I am smarter than you.
The real issue with this question is your grades. The grades reflect IQ, and they say that you do not have a high IQ. You know I have the highest IQ. You are probably jealous of my IQ. Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.* Ha ha. Let me tell you, I am, like a real smart guy.* I’m just intelligent. Some people would say that I’m very, very intelligent.* I hire the best people, and the best people tell me I’m smart. I am very smart. You are not. My poop is also better than yours! Ha. Ha.
* * *
I feel like I haven’t made a ton of friends at Yale yet. Do you have any tips on becoming more popular and/or penetrating cliques?
Lonely in Linsly-Chittenden
You are right to ask me this for I am very popular. Tweet that 100 members of the clique whose favor you are trying to win will endorse you,** and that they are coming to a get-together at your dorm. Do not worry about them discovering your lie. I’m sure it will be okay.
Alternatively, build a giant wall around the group of people.** It’s okay if you are not as rich as me and cannot afford to build the wall. They will pay for it. Once you build the wall, everything will fall into place.
I am very wise and worth billions of dollars. You’re welcome.
* actual things said by Mr. Trump on separate occasions
** modified from actual things said by Mr. Trump