No one does holidays like ABC Family. Best known for its annual “25 Days of Christmas” programming, the network’s wholesome values and light conflict can also enliven other celebratory seasons. Follow these foolproof steps to realize the ABC Family Thanksgiving episode of your dreams:

1. Dress everyone in autumnal separates from the Gap.

How are we to gauge whether you’re a middle-class everyperson if not by the burnt orangeness of your cardigan? Corduroys all around. Bonus points if everyone is wearing artfully mismatched scarves.

2. Introduce a minor conflict over a Thanksgiving tradition.

Aunt Beth doesn’t think it matters whether or not the cranberry sauce contains the traditional secret ingredient. Aunt Paula is willing to die for it. Let them duke it out while Nana clucks her tongue and kneads a quantity of dough.

3. Play a game of touch football with the whole family.

This demonstrates how close-knit you are and allows male family members to sensually remove select articles of clothing. Research shows this tactic appeals to women between the ages of 18 and 34. If you are lucky, 0.6 million of them will tune in to watch your family unravel and then re-ravel itself.

4. Invite former child-actress Tia Mowry.

Open the door and let Tia Mowry inside. She will be playing your cousin this Thanksgiving, and you are required to laugh at her one-liners. At the end of the night, she will attempt to start a tasteful group dance number composed of several adult women. Join her.

5. Kill off the patriarch.

Your family’s Thanksgiving probably won’t get renewed. Make this one count.