Let’s get hot tubs! Right? 51 million dollars is definitely enough for at least one Jacuzzi per college, one in Commons, one on Old Campus, four in Woodbridge Hall, three in Bass and maybe even a few private ones for select suites in JE. I know what you’re thinking: That’s a conservative estimate, as the demand for hot tubs on this campus is close to immeasurable. Well — sorry that Yale’s not made of money?
Honestly, I got this idea from the most recent episode of Portlandia, in which Fred Armisen buys a hot tub for his front lawn. His wife gets mad at him, but then it turns out that this particular hot tub has anti-aging effects. So basically, I propose we install anti-aging hot tubs all over campus. If you’re sprouting a few gray hairs during reading week, jump in and they’ll vanish! The science behind this is a little tricky, I know, but don’t worry — I’m a literature major.
Also, Jacuzzis are perfect for winter! Freezing? Jump in the hot tub! Haven’t showered for a week because your heater’s broken and you can’t get out of bed? Jump in the hot tub! Putting on that winter 15(000)? Jump in the hot tub!
Suddenly, every season will be bikini season: You’ll look *hot* — even when it’s cold outside.
Contact Coryna ogunseitan at email@example.com .
The showers are too damn small. Don’t pretend like you haven’t noticed. It’s not just a “Silliman thing.” Like, shaving — and if you are a man and you are reading this, don’t even, because legs. Like, the other day, me shaving, which ended in a killer impression of that French painting with the dead guy in the bathtub with all the blood and the liber-tay and the ega-lee-tay and the —
But I am not even asking for much! Just a few more square feet and — poof — problem solved. And yes, I sure would like to talk about “fiscal responsibility.” Can you think of a better way to please the masses? Because literally everyone showers. Except that weird kid who never leaves the computer room and chews gum the way I always imagined Hannibal chews his victim’s flesh. That kid has probably not noticed the shower issue.
Also: Why do drugs when you can take a fucking shower. Has anyone ever overdosed on shower? Exactly. You think I’m kidding.
Okay, enough with all the ha-has. Perhaps it would be fruitful to remind the Corporation of the larger stakes at play. “Oppression,” as it were, is maybe a loaded term. To wit: Have you or anyone you’ve known ever felt personally victimized by a Yale shower?
Contact haley byrnes at firstname.lastname@example.org .
These days, you could get a pretty good education online, but you’d miss out on the true undergrad experience. Now that Yale has $51 million at its disposal, it’s time to start funding change.
Yale 2.0 will be the world’s first Massively Multiplayer Online Liberal Arts Education Game, bringing subscribers into a fully-immersive simulation of our New Haven campus. After a brief tour-guide run tutorial (volume settings non-adjustable), players will choose customizable avatars (though you must wear a lanyard until you acquire a Y-sweater) and begin exploring VirtuCampYale. Network at parties to boost your campus celebrity rating (+1 to charisma)! But remember to save energy for that first round of midterms (-3 to sleep)!
On Yale 2.0, you’ll participate in a persistent world, which means that your decisions affect the way you get to play the game. For instance, if you choose English in the “declaring a major” quest, you’ll find some cool easter eggs -— like an increased post-game difficulty level! But don’t worry about consequences, you also have the option to spend real-world cash on in-game bonuses: Why waste time on the “student income contribution” quest when you could skip straight to the Toad’s level?
But while Yale is pretty great, we have plans to make Yale 2.0 even better. The first patch will replace some of areas that beta-tested as “off-brand” with four separate J. Crews. And in response to reports of bots in the initial release, we’re looking to implement mandatory “reflection” mini-games after you pass certain crucial life markers: loss of virginity, first Wenzel, etc. They’ll ask: “What is the meaning of life?” “Why didn’t you go to a smaller, less competitive e-college?” “Look into your heart and answer honestly: Are you a good person?”
By 2018, we’ll be excellent and sheep-free!
Contact Jacskon Mchenry at email@example.com .
On Google, you can solve simple arithmetic operations by typing them into the search bar. Wow! So WKND did this, and reached the following conclusions. With 51 million dollars, Yale can:
— Buy every student a coffee every day for the next 27.9 years.
— Buy every student a cronut every day for the next 5.6 years.
— Send every student on a round-trip to Moscow 16 times.
— Purchase the Crown of Thorns twice over from the French government.
— Not actually purchase a Jeff Koons sculpture, because those cost 55 million dollars each.
— Hire an actual magician who will stop the rain.
— Also ask the magician to please stop the winter, if she can?
— Probably invent a machine that writes final papers.
— Definitely invent a machine that fixes all problems, like, in general.