This weekend the Cantabrigian, barbarian hordes will arrive at our city gates to wreak havoc and evil upon the earth, and the Elis must be prepared to repel and defeat them in battle.
We live in an age of weak, impotent leaders. President Barack Obama’s grand strategy to “lead from behind” — no doubt learned during his years at the helm of the Harvard Law Review — has led to a paucity of hope among the American people. The president and Harvard alumnus has himself acknowledged this failure: The American people, he says, are “not better off” than they were four years ago. Yet like any weak leader, Obama has refused to accept responsibility and instead chosen to place the blame for the country’s current state of malaise on the “soft,” “lazy” American people.
Fortunately, Yale does not suffer the same weakness of leadership that Harvard has wrought upon our country. Yale does not produce Barack Obamas; Yale produces Patrick Witts ’12. During the past two weeks, our quarterback has confronted a stark dilemma: to attend his Rhodes Scholarship interview in Georgia and abandon his alma mater when she needs him most or to forgo the Rhodes for the glory of God, of country and of Yale. In a dramatic show of courage and character, Witt chose the latter.
There is no leadership deficit at Yale, but our leaders cannot defend our dear alma mater alone. We — the alumni, the faculty, the students — must clear our minds and ready our souls for the impending invasion. We must purge from our consciousness all thoughts that will weaken us.
“But some of my best friends go to Harvard!”
“My parents are Cantabs!”
“Until I read ‘The Cult of Yale’ in The Harvard Crimson, I almost went there instead of Yale!”
“Civility” has become the political buzzword of the past six months. From the attempted assassination of an Arizona congresswoman to the failure of President Obama and House Republicans to reach a debt-ceiling compromise, a lack of civility has been blamed for all the troubles of the world. Before kickoff on Saturday, Elis must acknowledge that a lack of civility has little to do with our present problems, and civility will do little to solve them.
Enlightened Elis are reluctant to act uncivilly. We have been taught since elementary school that all ideas, all actions, all creatures of the earth (including Cantabs) must be treated with respect and tolerance. The ideologies of moral relativism, political correctness and multiculturalism have wiped our faculties of judgment clean — they have left our minds so open that our brains have fallen out.
So let us rectify our misconceptions: The Game is not a game. The Game is war. Harvard is not a university — it is the Enemy. For 135 years, we Elis have met our Enemy on our gridiron to fight for Good, just as those vicious, heartless, soulless Cantabs have fought for Evil.
Make no mistake: The Cantab is not like you and me — at least not this weekend. For most of the year, the Cantab might take the form of a mild-mannered, somewhat pretentious, perpetually melancholic college student. But this weekend, those inoffensive adolescents will shed their human skin to reveal their true selves: venom-spewing, Vuvuzela-blowing, soul-sucking monsters.
Well, we Elis are ready for battle because real Yalies love a fight, traditionally. We will fight to the very last man, and there will be no defeat. So suit up in your heaviest gimmicky t-shirt and strongest SigEp sunglasses. Fill your favorite flask, and dig in for a long, cold afternoon at the Bowl. For Harvard’s team may fight ’til the end — but Yale will win.
Michael Knowles is a senior in Davenport College. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.