After a special trip to see He’s Just Not That Into You on opening night, your Girl Guides decide that male Yale needs its own edition of the self-help book on which that sure-to-be blockbuster is based. Let’s reflect: Are you reeling in the girls? Are you reeling in even one girl? Are you more pathetic than that guy vomiting outside Toad’s? Probably. Because all your questions can be answered by our new favorite statement of fact: She’s just not that into you. Sorry, boys.
If she says she doesn’t believe in dating within her residential college…
If she says she doesn’t believe in dating in protest against the arbitrary construct of an oppressive patriarchy…
If she says she doesn’t believe in dating… you…
If she says she just really needs to work tonight because midterms are coming up way sooner than she expected and she totally resolved to buckle down this semester because micro is way harder than anyone warned her and she really did sleep through that lecture on Tuesday and well…
If she says she needs to set aside time for “the girls”…
If she won’t change her Facebook relationship status…
If you’ve never been in her profile picture…
If she says she wants to maintain the integrity of Freshman Screw by going not with you but instead with a blind date her roommate picked out…
If she tells you your roommate is cute, and suggests you start to tag along on his trips to Payne-Whitney…
If she tells your roommate he’s cute…
If he is in her profile picture…
If she keeps bringing up her “semester abroad”…
If she keeps bringing up your “semester abroad”…
If you’ve never even considered taking a “semester abroad” and don’t really know where she got that idea or how all those Center for International Experience brochures ended up under your pillow…
If this article ends up under your pillow…
…then, Yalies, it’s time for a little introspection. Facing the truth is difficult, but with our coaching, you shouldn’t need to dig too deep to uncover the obvious. The signs are clear, our calculations were easy, and your bros have already guessed: She’s just not that into you. Happy Valentine’s Day.