The stars can see that the April snowstorms depressed you, but that doesn’t mean you have to go see ‘Bend It Like Beckham’ every night to shock yourself out of your bad mood. In fact, it’s probably contributing to that nervous twitch you’ve developed. Try skipping class and sleeping all day. It works much better.


Just because the semester is almost over and you’re going to have to almost never see your boy/girlfriend, sort-of boy/girlfriend, seeing-someone-without-a-title-friend, person-you’re-not-seeing-but-sometimes-sleeping-with, or favorite-person-who-doesn’t-really-ever-talk-to-you is no reason to cry. You’ll either stay together or keep in touch from prison. Good luck with those court appeals.


Retrograde motion of several planets suggests that you don’t want to do jack this time of the year, Gemini. Nevertheless you seem to fixate on odd activities. You’ve got a nasty cold, but that hasn’t kept you from standing out in the pouring rain dressed like the Grim Reaper on a bad day, freaking people out for no good reason. Take some Nyquil and and save the mask for person-you’re-not-seeing-but-sometimes-sleeping-with.


Are you the jerk who went to a CD Cafe party and broke somebody’s toilet upstairs? During “The Strike”? Yeah — the stars think you are. Way to be a worthless human being, defecating all over the place and breaking toilets. Is this how you’re going to behave when you’re alone all summer, hitting on your little sister’s best friend? Get your intestines stapled before you go out next time. Thanks.


It’s the end of the year, Leo. You barely survived spring break and your glorious return to campus, but you’re still alive — crumpled up semi-conscious on a couch somewhere. Time to pick yourself up off that couch, because Spring Fling is coming — a time when you can lose track of your whereabouts and sprawl, nearly comatose, in an entirely new location out-of-doors.


Virgo, it’s been a rough year for you. The stars want to have pity, but watching your life turn all pear-shaped has been far too humorous. It’s not all that bad, but that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder certainly hasn’t helped you keep things in perspective. Time to let loose, have a good time, and get a shrink.


Milkshakes, Libra, milkshakes. The stars foresee lots and lots of milkshakes. They’re good for upset stomachs caused by anxiety, hangovers, caffeine addictions — you name it. Why are the stars being nice to you and no one else? Because you’re going to look like the marshmallow man in your bathing suit this summer. Try not to melt in the sun.


Scorpios are prone to jealousy and competitiveness, but already studying for your finals is just plain disgusting. The stars can see you, Scorpio, and their stomachs are writhing in horror. Daytime television is your only hope of redemption. The stars would like to suggest the Evangelical Channel — it’s a hoot.


The stars know you forced your project partner to coordinate both the color and size of her index cards with yours, Sagittarius, and that’s just wrong. They also know that you’ve been making drunken phone calls to Staples, and that’s even worse. You couldn’t be more wrong, unless you were in on the toilet break-in with Cancer, who is probably your only friend. Make some new friends, and fixate on Life. It’s worth it.


You’re hard-working, even near the close of spring semester, but that’s not why your nights are so lonely. It’s because you’ve been sleeping in one of the weenie bins in CCL every night, drooling on your laptop and sitting on sixty of the five hundred books you checked out for your senior essay. Congratulations, you’ve finished. Now get out of the bin and take a shower — you really smell.


No, the stars don’t care what you are doing for the summer, Aquarius, and neither does anyone else. So stop asking what other people’s plans are just so you can show off yours. The Yale Bookstore has just the solution: “Getting Along With Others: Charts and Tips to Help you Teach Social Skills to Children and Reward Their Good Behavior.” Good luck.


Happy belated birthday! Did you get drunk? Great! That’s exciting. Did you do something embarrassing, write about it, and then e-mail it to everyone in your Daily Themes class? That’s even better. Did it end up in a school publication? Yeah, your folks must be proud. Learn how to do something new this summer — something worth writing about.