Aries ~ March 21 through April 20
Aries, associated with the Fire element, is assertive, extroverted, and spontaneous. Try not to be spontaneously over-assertive this month, because it’s the second round of midterms and nobody wants to deal with a pain in the ass. Channel your energy into your studies. Thanks.
Taurus ~ April 21 through May 20
Taurus, associated with the Earth element, tends to seek stability. Your qualities are supposedly consistency, loyalty and patience. You would win at life, except you’re so goddamn patient and loyal that people take advantage of you. You probably are the only friend of Aries, and this is killing your social life. Take a chance on instability and spare us all a trip to Hallmark.
Gemini ~ May 21 through June 21
Gemini is associated with the Air element. Lately, the air on campus has been downright miserable. But luckily for you, your sign brings you one of those sickeningly happy outlooks, not to mention a quick grasp of things and adaptability, so you probably are loving this disgusting weather. Try not to look so happy and maybe your friends won’t throw things at you.
Cancer ~ June 22 through July 22
Your element is Water. You and Gemini should get together and celebrate the Connecticut monsoon season. As a Gemini, you thrive on the exchange of feelings, and you’re quite sensitive, so I’ll end it here before you start crying. Again.
Leo ~ July 23 through August 22
Your element, like Aries, is Fire, but you’re not quite as annoying. You’re the playful lion, the leader, someone with confidence. What do the stars have to say to someone with confidence? Nothing, because you’re too busy bossing people around to listen. Take time out to listen. It’s important. Hello? Are you even paying attention?
Virgo ~ August 23 through September 22
Like a significant portion of the Yale body, you’re a perfectionist. Way to be in the majority. As an Earth sign, you need stability. This combined with your perfectionism makes you a perfect candidate for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Try not to freak out or over-analyze your existence this month, and maybe you’ll actually survive midterms/pre-finals/life.
Libra ~ September 23 through October 23
Libra is associated with the Air element, and is far preferable to Gemini, because you seek calm. Calm is needed in these times. Unfortunately, you have a tendency to be dependent, so try and cut that habit. Someone who is calm about being needy is in a place called denial. Use your extroversion to get out of denial.
Scorpio ~ October 24 through November 22
Your element is Water. For some reason your sign is capable of renewal and metamorphosis, probably because you’re introverted, which sometimes means self-centered. Your social interactions probably consist of letting people know when your next show is. But you’re enigmatic, too, so anyone who would accuse you of narcissism can’t figure you out enough to do it. Keep up the good work.
Sagittarius ~ November 23 through December 21
The Fire element. You are goal-oriented and an idealist — you probably think your date from the screw will call you back. And that mark on your neck is a rash, not a hickey. This is probably going to be a rough month for you, but unlike most people, you’re fairly balanced, so nobody pities you too much. Look for the good like you usually do and feign ignorance of the inevitable. It’s worked so far, right?
Capricorn ~ December 22 through January 20
Another Earth sign, you are a stabilizing force rather than a seeker of stability. This must relate to the fact that your animal is the mountain goat. Because goats are so stable. Right … Anyway, you often work too hard, which is rumored to be a way of life incompatible with college. Remember, Goat Boy never really had a social life. And his character was discontinued on SNL. So be your stable self and get your groove on. But not too loudly, because we’re studying.
Aquarius ~ January 21 through February 18
Your character traits center on your individuality, but they range from adaptability to straight up eccentricity. This is New England, so try and keep to the adaptability. Use your communication skills and rebelliousness to follow your higher consciousness, but don’t piss anybody off. Or we’ll get Capricorn to come and stabilize you.
Pisces ~ February 19 through March 20
You’re a Water sign with the potential to be emotionally unstable. Let me guess, you’ve also got a coke habit. Who can blame you? Your receptive and nurturing nature can’t deal when the poop hits the fan. Turn off the fan, because it’s cold and damp out anyway, and clean up the poop. Do you by any chance live in Swing Space?