You have your ticket. You have the t-shirt from your acceptance package. You secured a spot in a bound-to-be-uncomfortable carpool to Cambridge. You’re staying with “a great, responsible Harvard student, Mom.”
You’re ready for The Game. But … it’s all a bit off, right? Are you forgetting something?
If you feel empty at the thought of blue face paint, you might be suffering from Harvard Hate Deficiency. You’re not alone: One in 8 Yale students experience symptoms of this condition in mid-November. Some attribute HHD to complications during early infancy, while other cases form later in life. Studies cite opinions such as, “I have friends at Harvard, and I really like them,” “Harvard is also an amazing school, what’s the point of hating it?” or, “I don’t care, give me Thanksgiving” as severe warning signs.
Luckily, health professionals have developed new methods of treating HHD other than the popular 10-week IV drip. The FDA’s Center for Drug Evaluation and Research has released a new list of mental exercises for combating HHD, meant to trick the brain into forming instinctual Harvard aversion. WEEKEND is the first publication to bring them to you.
Directions: Read statements. Internalize. Do not ask questions.
Warnings: Immediately stop exercises if rash appears.
• When the dining halls are out of Special K with strawberries, it’s because of Harvard.
• Harvard took your seat in section, and Harvard knew it.
• When Yale Secure is down, Harvard Secure isn’t.
• When it’s too humid for Command Strips to stay on your wall, it’s because Harvard told Command to “not worry about it” during product testing.
• Harvard cancelled “Arrested Development.”
• Harvard made season four of “Arrested Development.”
• Did you read that New York Times interview with Jaden and Willow Smith? Harvard made that happen. (But don’t worry: Harvard is not Will Smith.)
• If you rearrange the letters in “Mail delivery failed: returning message to sender,” it spells “Harvard.”
• Harvard made all the gates that are too heavy to open gracefully.
• Harvard sent you those Farmville requests.
• One time, Harvard said “awk sauce.”
• You thought it was Fox News who interviewed Harvard students about ISIS. It was Harvard. Do you understand? Harvard is Fox News.
• Harvard is DJing at this chill party and you should totally come out.
• You know when you get into someone’s car, and there are crumbs all over the seat, but the person doesn’t say anything about it or try to clean it up before you sit down? Harvard.
• Harvard did all the DS reading, you lazy ass.
• Harvard made Avril Lavigne change into what she is now.
• When the top news story on Facebook was “Guy Fieri: Altered photo surfaces, showing celebrity chef without bleached hair and goatee,” Harvard was also trending.
• Guy Fieri went to Harvard.
• When you’re in New York City, Humans of New York is taking pictures of Harvard and not you.
• Harvard cast the live-action version of “Avatar: The Last Airbender” and NBC’s telecast of “The Sound of Music.”
• When your essay is being workshopped, Harvard tells you, “It’s not really working.”
• It’s called a “Harvard” when you open your computer in public and the lyric video for “Hey Juliet” starts playing because you forgot to close it.
• Harvard believes in equal rights for all genders but loves men too much to be a feminist.
• Do you feel sad sometimes? Harvard!!!
• The reason you couldn’t get a ticket for The Game is Harvard. Trust us.