Clegg: A non-denominational holiday interview!

River Clegg: Welcome, reader, to the second installment of my Western Canon interview series, where I chat with some of civilization’s most important figures. Today we have a special holiday-themed interview, with a guest who needs no introduction.

Jesus Christ: Hi, great to be here.

RC: Thanks so much for coming.

JC: It’s no trouble, I’ve had some free time over the past couple thousand years.

RC: Oh, why is that?

JC: …

RC: Oh. Right. Um, so, Christmas isn’t far off. Happy almost-birthday!

JC: Don’t remind me. Do you know how hard it is to keep getting older, but with no retirement in sight?

RC: I’d never thought about it. Is your job busy?

JC: Not terribly. Every now and then someone prays for the Celtics to win or something, so I’ve got to make that happen.

RC: Don’t people also pray against things like hurricanes and diseases and war?

JC: Oh sure. But who can keep track? The Celtics — now that’s a simple prayer to answer.

RC: … I guess. So, have you gotten your Christmas shopping done?

JC: Some of it. I tell you, 12 apostles might not seem like that many, but when you’ve got to find that perfect gift for each one of them … it can get tough. And don’t get me started on shopping for Mary Magdalene.

RC: Sounds rough.

JC: Then there’s the whole Hanukkah thing. Some of them still celebrate that, you know. So I’ve got to space the gifts out and plan that whole eight-day schedule. It’s confusing. Really it’s work an intern should be doing. But the Pope’s always busy.

RC: I see. And are all the apostles on your list? Even Judas?

JC: Oh, Judas! He and I are pals. You guys really gave him a bad rap. If I had to die to redeem your sins, how do you turn around and hate the person who made it happen?

RC: I’d never thought about it like that.

JC: We’ve had some good laughs over it. At least I think he was laughing…

RC: Well —

JC: Tears can be tears of laughter, right?

RC: … So. I’m wondering what you think of the commercialization of Christmas. It seems like it’s all just about shopping and money nowadays.

JC: I guess. People sometimes get worked up over it, but I try to let it slide. Truth is, no one knows what Christmas is really about. I think it’s got something to do with a pagan or Druid ritual — or maybe about the solstice? What is a solstice, anyway? Nobody ever filled me in. You know I wasn’t even born in the winter?

RC: Really?

JC: Yeah. It was July 8. I remember because one of the wise men was shvitzing like crazy.

RC: Huh.

JC: Hey, this is fun. Do you have any more questions?

RC: Do you have a favorite Christmas carol?

JC: “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” hands down.

RC: Favorite Christmas memory?

JC: When Dad got me that water-into-wine magic kit. Boy, was that fun.

RC: What’s the best part of being in Heaven?

JC: That’s a tough one. Maybe getting to meet Marilyn Monroe. You’d never guess it, but she’s so nice and down-to-earth, and she never acts stuck up or snooty, even though she’s so beautiful and famous. One time she even signed my copy of “Some Like it Hot.” I was just … just, wow! Really a class act, that girl.

RC: …

JC: Marilyn Monroe is the best part of being dead.

RC: Well we’re just about out of time. Do you have any other plans back here on earth?

JC: I might do a book signing.

RC: Oh yeah, signing Bibles?

JC: No, I’ve been doing some other writing, mostly under pen names. Remember The Da Vinci Code?

RC: Yes?

JC: All me.


  • River Tam

    There was an apostle who replaced Judas (Matthias?), so Jesus would have had to be shopping for 13.

    This was funny – I liked it.

  • Saybrook10

    Nice. River v. River: Celebrity Deathmatch. This was great, as was your last “Western Canon Interview.” Definitely some of the best humor to appear in the YDN in the last couple of years. Keep it up!