Zink: OMG, whom did we elect?

In a tableau that was mirrored on countless college campuses, in city streets and suburbs across the country, hundreds of Yalies converged on Old Campus on Tuesday night to celebrate Barack Obama’s historic victory. People hugged. People cried. Chants of “Yes we can” were met with even more spirited chants of “Yes we did.”

Yet every raucous celebration comes with a morning after, and no hangover will be more severe than the one Americans will suffer when they wake up in bed, so to speak, with president-elect Barack Obama, who is secretly a terrorist. I cannot imagine how embarrassed Obama’s supporters will be when they realize what they’ve done.

Though Americans may try to ignore Obama’s under-reported involvement in the terrorist anti-poverty and school reform charities of Bill Ayers, the voice of reason shall eventually prevail. Surely I am not the only person who realizes Obama’s middle name, Hussein, is also the last name of Saddam Hussein, the deposed terrorist dictator of Iraq. As if that weren’t damning enough, “Obama” is only a single letter away from “Osama,” as in Osama bin Laden. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Obama’s terrorist handlers were trying to taunt us when they assigned him all those names.

While other Yale students took time off to work for Democrat campaigns, I’ve been trying to raise American awareness of the threat by attending John McCain rallies and shouting slogans like, “Obama is a terrorist,” “Kill him!” or, when I was in a particularly medieval mood, “Off with his head!”

Sadly, my cries were largely ignored. By the end of the campaign, even John McCain seemed to have been suckered in by Obama’s charming, patriotic façade. When a woman in the crowd at one of McCain’s town hall meetings insisted she had “read about [Obama] and he’s not, he’s not uh — he’s an Arab,” McCain snatched the microphone and declared that Obama was not an Arab but rather “a decent family man with whom I happen to have some disagreements.”

An alluring myth: not an Arab, but a “family man.” It’s certainly stirring to see Obama on stage with his two “adorable” children, but how are we to be sure that they are not just pint-sized terrorist operatives? After all, Obama had declared them “off-limits” to the media for the duration of the campaign. What, Americans should’ve asked themselves, did the Obama “family” have to hide?

As much as I wish people had heeded these warning signs, I suppose it is time for me to accept the fact that, come January, there will be a terrorist running this once-great nation. What, then, should we expect from an Obama presidency?

Obama, like all terrorists, hates the United States of America and everything for which it stands. Therefore, his first priority will be to make certain changes to our patriotic pastimes. Flag burning will become a mandatory daily ritual, while the Pledge of Allegiance will be replaced with a string of hateful obscenities. The patriotic song “God Bless America” will almost certainly be revised to “God Damn America.”

With a strong Democratic majority in the House and Senate, Obama will have an easy time pushing his Islamic fundamentalist agenda. Given the opportunity, he will stock the Supreme Court with fellow terrorists who will legislate their radical views from the bench, freeing the inmates of Guantanamo Bay and reinterpreting the Constitution to allow gay marriage. Could Osama bin Laden be tapped for Chief Justice? Only time will tell.

The economic picture is no sunnier. Whereas the Romans promised their populace “bread and circuses,” Obama offers the equally distasteful planks of his Islamo-socialist ideology: suicide bombings and the wanton redistribution of wealth. In an Obama administration, neither your person nor your pocketbook will be safe.

I know some doubters will scoff at my portrayal of Obama’s “Islamo-socialism,” pointing out that fundamentalist Islamic theocracies have never embraced socialism. But this is a naïve reaction, grounded in a severe underestimation of our enemies’ cunning nature. Certainly, the terrorists know that if their governments adopted socialism as a matter of economic policy, America would be quick to reject this system, as we do all things that have ever been associated with terrorism. Therefore, the terrorists have avoided all outward signs of supporting socialism, in the hopes of someday inflicting this values system upon us.

With the hijacking of the American presidency by Barack Obama, these Islamo-socialists have committed perhaps the greatest act of terror ever perpetrated on American soil. Yet the American spirit is resilient, finding a silver lining in every tragedy. As Americans become disillusioned with the broken promises and terrorist leanings of President Obama, they will clamor for a new voice in Washington. The way will be clear for a savior in 2012 — Sarah Palin.

Michael Zink is a senior in Saybrook College.

Comments

  • C Reinish

    This is either very poor sarcasm, a weak attempt at eliciting reader reaction, or a rather frightening illustration of the way in which an elite education can be misused. It's a wonder this piece was published at all…

  • Brian

    Sheer emptiness…I honestly thought I'd somehow been led to a column in some southern community college paper…frankly Michael you're better off in the printing press!!

  • IronMan

    OMG, a ridiculously flawed attempt at irony.

  • Logistics

    Zink: Isn't it troubling (to you, to all of us) when your satire can't even reach the absurdity level of the serious op-ed that's placed directly below yours?

    Next time, you ought to ask the YDN to let you go first by a day …

  • Appalled

    This defamatory article teeming with lies and completely and utterly unconscionable accusations is a disgrace to the Yale Daily News and should not be published under the imprimatur of this university. It's one thing to disagree with a policy issue or a political belief, but to accuse the president-elect of the United States of being a terrorist or an Islamo-Socialist and criticize all of us who have worked so hard to make this dream become a reality is a crime that goes beyond denunciation. I am appalled, disgusted and in a state of shock and would hope the Yale Daily News would exercise better editorial discretion.

    Obama's victory represents the triumph of hope over fear, the coming-together of Americans from every conceivable background to support a man who promises to restore our standing in the world, fix or economy, working towards energy independence, just to name a few. These ad-hominem attacks are beyond detestable.

  • Anonymous

    #4 makes a good point, Moore's actual beliefs are more absurd that Zink's outrageous satire. The rest of you must to be brain-dead if you really think this is serious (especially #5). And if you don't think the satire is necessary, then read Moore's piece.

  • Wow

    i thought it was hilarious

  • @ IronMan

    I completely agree … but note that people seem to be more angry with this (poor) satire, than with the real piece, which actually should bear the brunt of "Appaled"'s anger ….

  • Ashamed

    Who is stupid enough not to pick up on the sarcasm here?

    For some reason, Zink, every time you write a piece like this either no one gets it, or (hopefully) the only people commenting are the ones foolish enough to take it all seriously.

  • Goldie '08

    #5 Appalled: If you can't spot the sucker in the first half an hour - you're the sucker.

  • Appalled 2

    Wow has this country lost all sense of irony? Read any of Zink's other articles. This is complete satire, although it's scary how similar this piece of satire is to Elizabeth Moore's serious article today.

  • Anonymous

    You guys… it was a joke. Satire. I'm like Lefty McLeft and Obama supporter since he was running for Senate, and I didn't take it seriously. It's like people can't read satire unless it hits them over the head with it's irony. This isn't Mad TV.

    The op-ed made great points about the absurd conflation of "Islamo-fascist," "terrorist," and "socialist," into one package. It just doesn't follow, and obviously all three are false. Those who think he's a socialist should take a field trip to Western or Northern Europe to learn what that's really about. I wish he was a socialist, so trust me when I say he's not. He's also not a Muslim, though that would be an amazing gesture of healing and unity if America would have elected one to high office.

    It was good Zink, I liked it in tandem with the serious one. Nice timing.

  • Anonymous

    The fact that a lot of people can't tell if this is a misguided attempt at conservative opinion or satire says something strong about popular opinion. This kind of blatant idiocy shouldn't be published; if it's a genuine opinion, it provides absolutely no evidence and remains convincing only to people who already share the opinion, but if it's satire, it's not at all funny.

    Either way, I'm so glad it's here. It is extremely illustrative of the ignorance actually present in the rest of the nation.

  • Bimp

    As Joe Biden would say "Is this a joke?"

  • Goldie '08

    For the record, this is not funny at all, but it does make the "serious" op-ed look even more absurd, so in that regard it succeeds.

    I just wanted to point out again, how completely moronic and clueless #5's comment was. That comment is the funniest thing on the page, mainly because of its stupiditiy

  • Master

    The most empty piece of writing I have ever read. There was not a single fact in the entire article.

  • Recent Alum

    Are liberals really so poor at reading comprehension that they do not understand whether this article or Ms. Moore's article are satire? It is very obvious for anyone with a modicum of understanding of current affairs that this article is (very bad) satire, while Ms. Moore's column was quite serious (and also quite correct, in my opinion).

  • - -

    aaw Zink, you've failed miserably again at satire.

  • Anonymous

    I don't understand the point of this satire. Of course Obama is not a Muslim; no one at Yale (including certainly Ms. Moore, whose column has been compared to Zink's by many commentators here) believes he is. But he does have close associations with a domestic terrorist (Ayers) and he did attend a church run by a vehemently anti-American and racist pastor (Wright). What is the point of lumping together serious concerns with Obama with lies that no one at Yale believes in? This column seems intended to mock very serious concerns with Obama, but without even attempting to make an argument.

  • JE '05

    I found this hilarious.

    I also found it interesting that it took me 1/2 of the article before I realized that it is MEANT to be hilarious, given that I have taken part in so many discussions in which such arguments were presented in a serious manner.

  • Anonymous

    I don't believe I've yet read a comment mentioning how all the stuff about Obama's name has already been beaten to death--I know I've heard stand-ups on TV talk about it, and even endured my brother's (poor) rendition of the routine. I'll admit I stopped reading the piece early on, after I realized he was not going to put in any serious effort.

    This piece is fit for the Record, and at least there you might get a neat illustration.

  • aj

    Whether this was intended for a Satire, as a Muslim I am offended by this writing. I know, presumably at least those who come to Yale some kind of rational faculty. Even if this writing intended to be fun, it adds to the perpetuation of the Islamophobia that we witnessed during this campaign. Given that many people will read this article, most if not all will come away with the misguided assumptions made about Obama. I am an ardent supporter of Obama. Why? Because of his ability to inspire and because of his moderate policies. We do not live in a Banana Republic and after the democracy decided that the guy should be president. I think we could have benefited more from intellectual discussion of the issues instead of name calling and creating more hatred and fanning of zenophobia---if this is serious then I regret coming to Yale but if this is a joke perhaps the author should taken classes on how to convey messages ---he is ill prepared

  • ouch

    Reuben B,

    Why the gratuitous attack on the Record? Just because they fired you as art director doesn't mean they're not funny!

  • Anonymous

    Aj, this whole article mocks the Islamophobia that you are offended by. The satire is so obvious in this article that the burden is on you for missing it.

  • H.

    Zink, everytime you write an article, I am not fully convinced its satire until I see your name attached to it.

    Honestly, what are you trying to achieve by writing poor satire? You certainly are not convincing any conservatives to join your cause. You are confusing anyone who is moderate because they can't fully tell whether you are serious or sarcastic. The only group of people who get a kick out of your op-eds are conservative-debasing liberals like yourself. Don't you realize your senseless op-eds are what incense conservatives like Elizabeth Moore to go on rampage with equally over-dramatic and senseless articles?

    Next time, find the arguments you think are flawed and attack them logically. In this way, you'll contribute a lot more to the Yale community.