Mealny Perez

Pining after your FroCo? Dying to get on the orgy panlist? Sick of seeing khakis on men? You’re in luck! Welcome to Sex on the WKND, YDN’s anonymous column dedicated to answering your burning questions about sex, love and anything in between. Obsessing over sex is a Yale tradition as old as the Oldest College Daily itself. This year, we have a love-guru columnist who has done it all — including everyone on the aforementioned orgy panlist — and is ready to share. Whether you have a seminar with a hookup-gone-wrong or accidentally sent a raunchy text to your chemistry study group, Sex on the WKND is ready to help. Don’t be shy. Submit your anonymous questions, stories, and tips here.

So, you think you have a boyfriend. First off, congratulations are in order––we know of all the blood, sweat and ultimatums that were required to make it official. All love letters look like blackmail in the dark.

The best part of having a boyfriend is, of course, telling people you have a boyfriend. All the other stuff is chore-like. But the good news: because you’ve endured his drawstring-khaki-clad presence for enough prolonged periods, Valentine’s Day will look different this year. Now, you won’t be participating in the predictably cliché “Galantine’s” parties that are thrown by sad women who have mistakenly identified their misfortune and rejection in Taylor Swift, the billionaire and beloved pop culture figure (who, mind you, currently has a boyfriend). Instead, you will be with your boyfriend, who still makes you feel rejected and unfortunate, just in new, even worse ways.

With a boyfriend comes the responsibility of getting him a present for Valentine’s Day. And because you can’t give him what you really want (a lobotomy, an eyebrow wax, the capacity to feel empathy), you must get creative. Do not fear –– I’ve conjured up a fool-proof list that will satisfy any type of boyfriend that you might find yourself having:

  1. The Balding Fraternity Brother

There has already been resentment in this relationship from the get-go, considering you have hair and he’s losing it rapidly. No shame in the game, of course –– he’ll say it’s because his brain is so high functioning that it makes his scalp an inhospitable environment. But even if that does scientifically check out, he’s going to be bald in a Joe Rogan way, not a Michael Jordan way.

Obviously, a baseball cap is in order –– it will feign some semblance of athleticism for the man who cries when he can’t UberEats sushi to his apartment. Bonus points if it can act as some meaningless status symbol that will give him more sexual titillation than you ever will: perhaps it’s some Aman swag, displays the name of a Palo Alto VC fund, or reps a Mykonos beach club. 

  1. The In-Season Athlete

So, your boyfriend plays a winter sport (and thank God for it: frankly, it’s about time he stopped having too much free time on his hands). So, what should your little Joey get for Valentine’s Day? As the saying goes: sometimes you don’t get what you want, you get what you need. And what Joey seriously needs to get is a grip on things. Your 7-1 loss against UConn should not send you into a catatonic state, Joey. You did not just come back from Nam, Joey –– you didn’t even play. It’s seriously not that deep.

  1. The AI-Generated Coder

It’s fine, you can admit it: you bought low so you could sell high. Sure, you’re the only thing keeping him from his true destiny as an incel. But hey! You’re probably dating the next Elon Musk, but way eviler and more corrupt. And it’ll all be worth it because when he invents the next digital platform that’ll bring society closer to our inevitable demise, you’ll get some founders’ stock! So, what do you get the guy that can theoretically code anything? Maybe a good therapist, who could socialize him back into humanity. 

Well, my work here is done. The only thing left to do is endure Valentine’s Day, and hope that with a few more ultimatums, he’ll be around next year.