Melany Perez

Pining after your FroCo? Dying to get on the orgy panlist? Sick of seeing khakis on men? You’re in luck! Welcome to Sex on the WKND, YDN’s anonymous column dedicated to answering your burning questions about sex, love and anything in between. Obsessing over sex is a Yale tradition as old as the Oldest College Daily itself. This year, we have a love-guru columnist who has done it all — including everyone on the aforementioned orgy panlist — and is ready to share. Whether you have a seminar with a hookup-gone-wrong or accidentally sent a raunchy text to your chemistry study group, Sex on the WKND is ready to help. Don’t be shy. Submit your anonymous questions, stories, and tips here.

Now that it’s officially February, we don’t have to lie about not keeping with our resolutions. Face the music—maybe my ex was right—I never quite meet expectations. But February also means that love is all around us. It’s hard to escape the desire to settle down. The cold and dreary days just make us all yearn for someone, ANYONE, to curl up beside and watch a RomCom. So, we might see a guy across the Periodical Reading Room and decide he could make a good fit. Or maybe you finally go for that frat guy that everyone says is so sweet and cute… even though you have always thought that “sweet” and “cute” are euphemisms for looks and acts like he’s 13. 

We all have that someone that is domestic, docile, and may or may not be mute. He was the first guy you met while moving into LDub, or he was the only boy in your WGSS Seminar about the Sexuality of Fruits. Sure, you could take him in a fight, he only wears Yale merch, and he looks terrified, at all times. But he’s so sweet, right?? 

At this point in the school year, you’ve accepted the fact that your situationship who texts you like you’re an Uber driver (“be right there” “one sec”) will never think about you once on Valentine’s Day, let alone walk his feet to CVS to buy you a $5 candy bar. So there he is: the nice guy. He’s been lurking in the background all year—let’s face it, the only thing they know how to do is lurk—is it time to give this goofy side character his big break?

Honestly, probably not. 

Let’s think about this before we make any rash decisions. Your “nice guy” will probably speak to you in bed as if he asked ChatGPT “how do I use dirty talk with a woman.” Now that I think about it… he probably did… 

Also, one must ask: what really makes him so sweet? Does his niceness depend wholly on the fact that he hasn’t seen you naked? Is it just because he’s not affiliated with a High Street frat? Is it because he operates as if he is asexual? You know who people thought were so “nice?” The Joker. O.J. Simpson. Elmo (the jury’s still out on this one, but you’ve got to admit, wtf is he still doing around all those kids?). 

The moral of the story is this: “nice” is what I use to characterize Starr at half capacity, and when the sweet Dumpling lady gives me two cookies in Commons. The word was never intended to be used for humans—much less college men. At least the evil guy makes doing the sin more interesting.