When you decide to go to college, you are promised––or so I thought––certain discoveries. You pack your bags and leave home with the anticipation of finding “yourself” and “your people.” More excitingly, college promises that you find yourself in bed with people. People plural. If the innuendo wasn’t clear: I’m talking about threesomes.

Your Mom and Dad have probably had threesomes. And not just together, in marital union, but separately with strangers unbeknownst to you. Multiple times. Oh, don’t be a prude––it was the eighties! How do you think woke college students celebrated the Berlin Wall collapsing? It’s simple Reaganomics: the more to trickle down, the merrier.

People blame COVID-19 for accelerating a penetrative institutional memory loss at Yale. Traditions have been insufficiently passed down, and at times forgotten altogether. People have lost their enthusiasm for DS toga parties, head of college teas, and most importantly, threesomes.

And it’s a shame too. Collectively quitting threesomes means turning our backs on an activity that has served important cultrual significance. In fact, threesomes are practically written in our constitution. Ever wonder when and where Alexander Hamilton, George Washington, and TJ came up with the three branches of government? 

The French were wrong about a lot of things––monarchy and sober cigs, to name a few––but they were right about eating cake. In fact, King Louis IV was notorious for eating multiple cakes at a time, Marie Antionette’s, and her sister Maria Carolina’s. When you participate in a ménage à trois, you in turn become a global citizen. Put that on your LinkedIn profile. 

So where have all the threesomes gone? Who is to blame for the death of this cultural practice? Well, the admissions office, for starters. It seems that every year they have a way of sniffing out 1,700 virgins whose only definition for the word “sex” involves the inverse of cosine. It’s basic etymology: when the Yale class is mostly composed of people who didn’t get any in high school, there is no such thing as sexual “experimentation”––then the act of sex itself becomes the “experimentation.” 

I fear that we are witnessing an important custom––one that has helped uphold community values like collaboration, selflessness, and generosity––fade away into the realm of cultural myth. Before you know it, threesomes will be the new “stable, loving boyfriend”: everyone “knows” a friend who’s had one, but deep down, you know they’re probably lying.

You’ve heard it before: good things come in three. Still not convinced? This will turn even the most reluctant Yalies to the sacred custom: threesomes prove to be a fantastic networking opportunity. Think about it––you’ll be performing your team-oriented, problem solving skills with the future leaders of countries and corporations of the world.