Last weekend, I overheard a girl unironically tell a boy that considering the holiday season, she was having a “Black Friday sale on her standards.” If that wasn’t bad enough, the boy simply replied: “As long as there’s easy returns, I’m in.” And there you have it, folks: a modern-day, college-consumer-capitalist romance. Somewhere in some gray country, Karl Marx is in his gray grave probably saying: “Could’ve called that.” 

Of course, I’m a mythical sex goddess who rivals the beauty and brains of those gals Aphrodite and Athena (ever heard of them? Our families go on vacations together). So, I personally get courted all the time by other Greek gods (and when I tell them “Thanks, but no thanks,” they start decades-long carnage on neighboring empires).

But I’ve been doing some serious reflecting, looking over you all. And I can’t help but feel… pity. For everyone involved — women, men, roommates. But especially for myself, because I have to watch the humiliation unfold. So, as 2023 comes to a close we must ask ourselves: what do we want to bring back in 2024? 

I’ll give you a compelling answer: courtship. 

Courtship, or the cultural practice of suitors routinely giving gifts to the women they hope to marry, unofficially dissolved at the turn of the twentieth century. Blame the Sexual Revolution, blame tampons, blame the legalization of reproductive contraceptives (Ah-ha! That was a trick — I see you nodding, Brad). I understand that in theory, tampons are awesome and rights are convenient, but why did one intrinsic good have to disappear so another intrinsic good could come along? Can’t we have courtship and tampons? Men get the patriarchy and Hooters, which seems incredibly greedy on their part. 

Whatever is going on here, on this campus — well, it’s not unlike hell. Times were simpler when suitors sought. Now, the closest thing we have to courtship is when a LEO man makes you Venmo him only $2 for one of his cigarettes, instead of his usual $5. And yes, while female rights and sexual liberation are fun, treats are also fun, and they can be eaten. What about the sexual revolution can you eat? Don’t answer that. 

Think about it: courtship incentivizes the economy. Yeah, you heard that right, Colin. I know you tell women you think about the economy all the time. Everyone here wants to work at Goldman Sachs, but no one wants to INCENTIVIZE CONSUMER SPENDING? Seems pretty hypocritical of you, Colin. Everyone here wants to one day have enough cash to become an “angel investor,” but I see a lot of angels on campus not being invested in. Maybe next time, instead of offering to pay for that girl’s Uber to your apartment building, like she’s a GoPuff grocery delivery, maybe buy her a scrunchie and a blueberry scone, Colin. God.

But is courtship bribery? Probably! Who cares? Yalies. If you want to kiss someone — consider economically incentivizing them. It’s worked for ex-presidents, a decent amount of Yale admits, and it’s worked on me, more than once! Ever think that maybe, when people are willing to risk prison time to do something, it might be worth doing?

My conclusion: the holiday season shouldn’t be the only time gifts are given and received. Specifically, women should receive gifts year-round, routinely, without much reason for why. It’s pretty easy to comprehend. Take it from Santa, the biggest player of them all: inconspicuously offering his package — usually, under trees — to devoted wives and single ladies alike.