With The Game coming up this weekend, Yale students have been walking down Broadway spewing even more H*rvard hate than usual. I’m here to add to this resentment with an organized list of my own reasons for despising our rivals from Cambridge. Feel free to cite any of these arguments in debates with … Harvardians??? Doesn’t have the same ring to it as “Yalies.”

  1. Category One: Mascots. A few days ago, I overheard someone use the phrase “ugly-hot.” If that classification exists for dogs, Handsome Dan is the perfect example. Although you might have to bribe him with treats, Handsome Dan is relatively cooperative if you ask to get a picture with him — as long as his handler dangles a biscuit near the camera, that is. Harvard’s mascot, on the other hand, is an old pilgrim. Can’t take pictures with that.
  2. Category Two: Social Life. Once, I visited Harvard on a Friday night. When I walked into a Starbucks at 10 p.m., every seat was occupied by a future Mark Zuckerberg, hunching over his laptop and blasting incel music through thick headphones. Last Friday at Yale, I observed three different groups hosting beer mile races. Enough said. 
  3. Category Three: Architecture. When I arrived at Harvard for last year’s game, my first thought was that the entire campus looked like a more depressing version of TD. I didn’t think that was possible. Compared to Yale’s ornate stonework and gothic towers, Harvard’s colonial buildings look like they haven’t been renovated since their pilgrim mascot came over on the Mayflower. 
  4. Category Four: Academic Programs. Frankly, this is the least important category on this list. But, for the sake of the argument, I feel compelled to mention that Yale has over 80 academic programs. As for Harvard? A measly 50. Okay, enough of that; back to the important metrics. 
  5. Category Five: Alumni. This might be a controversial one. Ignore the fact that Yale has produced three of the Supreme Court’s most conservative justices. Instead, focus on Meryl Streep!! She’s awesome, and she didn’t go to Harvard! Some other notable mentions: Lupita Nyong’o, Anderson Cooper and Angela Bassett. For the sake of this list’s persuasive power, I will pretend that Obama didn’t go to Harvard. I suggest you do the same. 
  6. Category Six: School Colors. Navy blue is prettier than crimson. This rule is true in all cases except for when I wear my maroon Trumbull sweatshirt. Then, and only then, maroon is a great color. 
  7. Category Seven: Rory Gilmore. She chose Yale, not Harvard. Sure, she became somewhat insufferable after coming here, but we all do. 

There you have it! If anyone would like to join me in petitioning U.S. News to change their official college rankings, please do. I’m sure this list will convince them. 

Emily Aikens is an Associate Beat Reporter covering faculty and academics at Yale. Originally from Pennsylvania, she is a sophomore in Trumbull College studying English.