Pining after your FroCo? Dying to get on the orgy panlist? Sick of seeing khakis on men? You’re in luck! Welcome to Sex on the WKND, YDN’s anonymous column dedicated to answering your burning questions about sex, love and anything in between. Obsessing over sex is a Yale tradition as old as the Oldest College Daily itself. This year, we have a love-savvy columnist who has done it all — including everyone on the aforementioned orgy panlist — and is ready to share. Whether you have a seminar with a hookup-gone-wrong or accidentally sent a raunchy text to your chemistry study group, Sex on the WKND is ready to help. Don’t be shy. Submit your anonymous questions, stories and tips here.
I’m a first-year taking Dynamic Earth, and this senior asked me to be his “study buddy.” Do you think he is into me?
Honestly, why do I even ask at this point? Of course you did. Don’t worry – the feeling is mutual. After a summer of sexcapades, there’s nothing I miss more than our weekly check-ins. It’s almost like we’ve grown up together…
Well, except the first-years.
I’m beginning to agree with all the psychologists and self-proclaimed “holistic health” mothers who argue that COVID isolation messed with brain development. The kids are seriously troubled. Last week a first-year showed up to play intramural cornhole in knee pads. And at Woads I saw a large circle of them “Gangnam Style”-ing to ABBA. Weren’t you guys like two when everyone was “Gangnam Style”-ing? In what scenario does the peaceable, quietly charming suburban pastime require a knee pad?
But while these kids are in desperate need of some expensive lobotomies, the real psychotherapy is demanded for those who register this behavior, and still make the conscious choice to slide into their DMs.
In general, the maturity gaps at Yale are insane. On the one hand, you have fresh-outta-high-school 18-year-olds whose only sexual experiences have taken place on a Discord kitten server. On the other, there’s the Eli Whitney students, who have the dismaying parental duty of grounding their own teenagers for spending too much time on Discord kitten servers. Most of us fall somewhere in between.
For us in-betweeners: the idea of an age gap can be alluring. Exhilarating. We don’t need to be in PSYC 110 to know that the taboo is tempting.
To the upperclassmen reading: it’s okay to admit it. We can’t hear you. You’re feeling a certain word that rhymes with “separate.” It’s been two or three years since you came to Yale; the mating crop is significantly dwindling. You go to parties and recognize everybody in the room. And what’s worse, you know them. Like know them, know them. Like how that guy in the frat t-shirt cries after sex, or how that girl cries during sex. But whatever you do, don’t look down.
And little, sweet Timmy: allow me to be the bearer of bad news. Chances are, that senior girl does not want to spend any of her time in your L-Dub sextet. She probably doesn’t want to hear about what you learned in your introductory microeconomics class. Most likely, she spent her summer in New York City going on dates with a 27-year-old hedge fund analyst who ordered Japanese whiskey without ice and wore loafers with jeans (she didn’t like him very much either).
So please avert your wide eyes away from the tote-wearing women on this campus –– they’ve outgrown backpacks –– and turn them to my other friend: Sigmund. Maybe it’s time to psychoanalyze why you so desperately want these older women…maybe you are missing another certain, older woman during your first months away from home?
To the freshmen girls reading: you will get your fair share of attention from High St. bound upperclassmen boys. And you will be flattered. Don’t. Be. Flattered. Don’t trick yourself into thinking that hooking up with that senior boy will yield the mature, passionate love you read about in your beach romance novel. If we’re being completely honest here, most of those guys don’t even read.
Here’s one last thing to keep in mind that might fill you with both solace and fear: seniors here aren’t any more mature than the underclassmen. It can all be explained with the simple, introductory microeconomics’ law of diminishing marginal returns. Sure, for those who just arrived, these next few months might be a steep learning curve. But after that? Maturity is all but negligible. So do yourself a favor, and just kiss that guy across the hall from your L-Dub sextet.