Dear New Haven Paintballer,
Please shoot me in the fucking leg. I have a friend who you shot five times, twice in the head, once on the back and twice on the arm. He’s totally fine. He didn’t even report you, and people think he’s hot shit now. I wanna be hot shit too! I’m not asking you to shoot me in the head (please don’t do that), just once in the leg, so I have a story to tell in my interview for Skull and Bones. I swear (pinky promise?) I absolutely won’t tell any cops.
I don’t think you like cops very much — in this political climate, who does? In an email from Police Chief Ronnell Higgins, he told us about how you shot at police officers on the curb and they still weren’t able to catch you. This tells me two things about you. One: You’re smart enough to not get caught (or they didn’t check the bodycam footage?). Two: Since you shot at cops and drove away scot-free (according to Higgins, anyways), you’re definitely white.
I’m realizing that I assumed you’re a man. Maybe you’re a bold, bra-burning feminist who is asserting her domininace via tinted, plastic paint bullets! I don’t think it’s been effective so far in advancing women’s rights, but props to you for not being caught. Regardless, I stand by my request. Do a fellow woman a favor in the name of feminism. Please?
I have a few recommendations for you, in any case. You should definitely make a Google Form for people to volunteer to get shot. I’ll fill it out first, but I also know of a few Yale nerds, myself included, that want to get some street cred by saying they got shot by you and took it like a (wo)man. You’re not very good at picking targets, I think. My friends and I walked to Brick Oven Pizza at 1 a.m. on a Saturday, witnessed a car crash on the way, while wearing neon clothes (that screamed target very loudly, might I add) and despite the many cars that drove by us, I still have not a single paintball bruise on me.
You can definitely charge people for it, too. Non-taxable income, since you can’t very well put on your tax returns that you run a hit(wo)man business for college students to take painted bullets to [insert x body part here]. As part of my recommendations, you can add a dropdown menu on the Google Form. Choose Your Bullet Color. That way, volunteers can make sure to wear a color that contrasts with the paint color. What’s the point of getting shot if no one can see how much of a badass you are?
If you choose to ignore my business recommendations, then I suggest you at least claim a street for yourself. You know, for wanting victims to know where to wander. Might I suggest the one that leads to Brick Oven Pizza? The friend that got shot five times did so on that street, so me and my friends walked down it dressed in bright colors to get shot, too. Clearly, it did not work.
I also think you can sell some fun merch! Maybe make a deal with the Yale Bookstore or Campus Customs? I’m picturing a neon T-shirt (easy targets!) that says, “My friend got shot by the New Haven Paintballer and all I got was this T-shirt” or, to add some variety, “I got shot by the New Haven Paintballer and all I got was this T-shirt.” You can even cater to the Yalies for some more money: “The New Haven Paintballer told me his favorite residential college is Berkeley.”
Paintballer, whether you are a man-bashing feminist sticking it to the man or an adolescent with too much angst and time on their hands, I strongly suggest that you improve your business model. Regardless, if you choose to take my suggestions, you should pay me back for my time and ideas by shooting me in the leg with a blue paintball. I will be walking to Brick Oven Pizza on Saturday, Dec. 5 at 1:20 a.m. while wearing a neon pink shirt. I’ll be sure to walk slowly, just for you.
See you then!
Angela Perez | firstname.lastname@example.org