It would be fair to say that most reporters here at the good ol’ Yale Daily News want their last article of the year to mean something, or at least to be read by more than four people. All the senior opinion columnists are beginning to take a look at Yale’s larger institutions, University reporters are trying to extract blood out of the stone that is Tofu Thursdays and the Sports desk is praying that some Yalie will learn how to hit a baseball by the end of the week. But here at Weekend, we have no conception of time and our inevitable march toward the end of it, so here is your average, garden-variety, shitty humor column about how terrible the Yale College Council is:
In an infamous act of vanity and treachery, members of the YCC finally did something that was recognized campuswide. As a humor columnist for the YDN, I understand the pain felt when literally no one cares about the hard work you undertake to make the smallest mark in Yale’s glorious history. YCC, I understand your plight!
But, dear reader, following Kant’s categorical imperative and the fact that the YDN blows up every wrongdoing on campus, I am moved to condemn the YCC’s actions as reckless, irresponsible and bourgeoisie-esque. Us members of the proletariat over here at the YDN are furious, so here’s an ode to the YCC’s sins, written by a bitter student who got the least number of votes in his FCC campaign. I have decided to focus on 5 things you could buy with money you embezzled from your club. Let’s start with number five.
5) More than $150 to cater Chick-Fil-A.
We’re gonna start this countdown with some wholesome content. Everyone knows that the first number on a countdown is weak shit. Speaking of weak shit, Chick-Fil-A caters at a minimum of $150. Do you want to lure bulldog days attendees with chicken from a company that institutionally hates the LGBTQ+ community (@Yale Mock Trial)? Then use $150 to buy some chicken sandwiches
4) $549.37 to buy the domain name “Yale.com.”
With my right hand on the Bible I swear to God that you can buy the domain of the commercial institution of Yale with less money than you use for textbooks. Am I religious? Not in the slightest. Is Yale a commercial institution? Ask anyone who pays more than $5000 in student income contribution, and they would definitely say yes. I encourage the members of Fossil Free Yale, Yale Students for Prison Divestment, Yale Young Democratic Socialists and the Association of Native Americans at Yale — who all seem to have pissed off $27 billion worth of Chief Investment Officer Dave Swensen — to each embezzle approximately $140 and put that stolen money where their mouth is.
3) $1,500 to bribe your college dean for better housing
For once, the Rumpus actually broke a good story, in which five rich white men tried to fake their way into better housing by feigning a “dust allergy.” Instead, rich boys (who may or may not have a relation to a British knight, famous for just letting things be), you should definitely just start a club, steal approximately $1,500 and subtly throw yourself into the top of the housing draw, as opposed to being condemned to the bottom of the draw.
2) $250,000,000.01 to rename the Schwarzman Center.
After a long dialogue between the Opinion desk and Yale’s Chief Investment Officer, it seems obvious that Yale is just a greedy Sith Empire and equally obvious that the student body is a cog in such an institutionally avaricious tyranny. Therefore, show Stephen Schwarzman that you are 1.00000000004 times the person he is by adding an extra penny more to your donation than he did. You could name Commons something more appropriate like “Future Finance Sellout Hall” or “Only Yale Man Who Knows Where the Clit is Student Center.” If you have that type of money in your club, you’d probably consider both of those names.
1) $3,000 to have CupcakKe perform at your next mixer.
Does no one come to your Pauli Murray dances or YCC silent disco (shoutout to that fantastic idea)? Then steal $3,000 from your club, hire the controversial rapper and watch as everyone at your mixer loses their fucking minds. If the entire conservative Yale population writes one too many op-eds about your decision, then go tell them to “Suck dick.”
Don’t like student government corruption? Or do you really appreciate the expansion and continuation of the collegiate bourgeoisie and their meaty, clammy paws clenching the means to production that are Patagonia sweaters? Shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org to talk more about it, and don’t forget that embezzlement is only bad if you get caught by the YDN.
Nick Tabio | email@example.com