In a press conference Thursday, President Donald Trump lambasted the Yale Daily News as “fake news.”
Lamenting that he was “tired of lies,” Trump claimed the YDN was “totally biased.” He also asserted the newspaper had very little credibility and compared its reporters to ISIS insurgents attempting to sabotage American democracy.
Trump’s rebuke came as the YDN reported that attendance at Trump’s inauguration was far less than those of the two preceding inaugurations. Pushing back at press estimates of 250,000 attendees, Trump provided a creative and insightful simile: “It’s like that game where you have to estimate the number of jelly beans in a really big jar. I always estimate the exact number of jelly beans in the jar just by looking at the jar. It’s amazing, really, it is. And on Friday, there were 1.5 million jelly beans in that jar, let me tell you.”
The press conference was held to discuss the administration’s plans to assist minorities, refugees and working mothers, but quickly derailed when a reporter from CNN attempted to ask Trump a question. The president announced he was done dealing with “fake news,” since he had already won the election and no longer needed its services. He then launched into a rambling and incoherent verbal assault on a variety of news organizations, at which point he mentioned the YDN.
Trump also singled out a reporter from NBC. He ordered his Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, to “rough him up.” Initially, Spicer refused, but Trump encouraged him by speaking in soothing tones and calling him “my spicy little superstar.” Spicer then feebly slapped the NBC reporter and immediately burst into tears.
When asked which specific news organizations he thought were “fake news,” Trump breathlessly listed over 250 journalistic outlets. They ranged from CNN to Buzzfeed to The Onion. Of the last, Trump alleged, “Every article they print is totally untrue. They’re so full of lies that they’re literally a joke. I actually laugh every time I read one because they’re very wrong and very false.” Trump then shook his head in disgust at The Onion’s deceitful journalism.
Nonetheless, Trump offered praise for other news sources. “Bill O’Reilly is my favorite Irishman,” he gushed. “And Anderson Cooper is my favorite gay, even though he works for fake news. But he’s very fair and his eyes are so blue, almost as blue and beautiful as mine.” He continued, “TMZ is excellent. E! News and Fashion Police can’t be beat. Joan Rivers is to die for.”
“You know my son, Barron, he’s like ten or eleven or seventeen years old. There he is.” Trump pointed to an adolescent boy in the crowd who was not his son and actually turned out to be Chuck Todd. “He gets all these magazines and he always leaves them in the bathroom so sometimes I look through them when I’m doing my business. It’s the only time I read the news, actually. They’ve got lots of great stuff, lots of terrific pictures. Time Kids, National Geographic Kids. I don’t know why they’ve all got ‘kids’ in their titles because they’re perfect for me.”
Many Trump supporters share the President’s outrage, citing a continued campaign by the liberal media to subvert an otherwise wholesome and dedicated public servant. Several Trump supporters said they only believe statements supported by clear, confirmed and objective evidence, and therefore disbelieved the media’s reports. They provided several examples of rigorously verified claims, including Trump’s assertions regarding Obama’s citizenship and the involvement of Ted Cruz’s father in JFK’s assassination, as well as his assessment of his own IQ as “one of the highest.”
Kellyanne Conway, Counselor to the President, went on Meet the Press to defend the White House’s claims regarding inauguration attendance. After denying that her inauguration outfit made her resemble a fascist Keebler elf, Conway went on to make an elaborate philosophical argument regarding the nature of truth. “What is truth, after all?” Conway mused. “Call me Descartian, but the only fact I can prove is that I exist. We cannot rely on our fickle senses for objective information. Moreover, we can’t rely on mathematics, science, or official estimates from government agencies. Therefore, alternative facts are the only facts. Thankfully, I have plenty of them.”
However, Trump’s denunciation of the YDN did not end with the press conference. At 3 a.m. on Thursday, Trump issued a series of bellicose tweets. “The Harvard Crimson is bad but the YDN is the worst of all Ivy League newspapers. It’s reporters write like history majors. Really bad journalism!” He also made this startling claim: “I have it from a very reliable source that the YDN is actually not the oldest college daily. See, their liars.” Not stopping at just the newspaper, Trump also attacked Yale University. “Lots of people impressed Hillary went to Yale because its a great school. Not true! I could’ve gone there but all my brother’s friends were in the Penn admissions office.”
Steve Bannon, Trump’s Senior Counselor and former chair of Breitbart News, offered the YDN journalistic advice in his own tweet on Thursday: “Report less on the news and more on the Jews.”
The YDN could not be reached for comment or confirmation.
DISCLAIMER: This article is a satirical work of fiction. Pres. Trump has yet to direct his Twitter account against the Yale Daily News.