Katherine Xiu

I think my strongest asset is by far my tolerance. I have a very strong tolerance. For alcohol, I mean. Not for women presidents. I have no tolerance for women presidents. I am going to make America great again! When I went to Toads last night, I had a lot of alcohol. But it didn’t affect me. I wouldn’t let it affect me, that’s the kind of man I am. I drank Budweiser on an empty stomach, and it was good. I was meant to have dinner at Sushi on Chapel, but I don’t eat sushi because it’s made in China. And China, it’s stealing our businesses. That’s why I don’t like Pad Thai, or any other Chinese restaurant in New Haven. Except Thai Taste. They commit what some call ‘wage theft’. That’s called business, by the way.

A woman in my class asked why I went to Thai Taste, when it was stealing from the workers. I said that’s called business. She said you’re a criminal, a racist and a terrible person, and there is clear evidence to prove all of those things. I said you’re wrong, because I’m going to make America great again.

Anyway, I was in the line for Toads, and I went to the front. Someone said ‘Hey, you can’t do that.’ I said I can do what I want, I started a successful business from a very small loan of a few million dollars many years ago, and now I’m a billionaire. That’s the kind of thinking this country needs. I went inside, and the bouncer asked me to pay five dollars. Every Wednesday night, the man asks me for five dollars. I’m not even complaining. I don’t mind it. It’s almost become a way of life, being asked for five dollars. I paid the man. Against my lawyer’s advice, I pay this man five dollars.

I went to buy a drink. I only had 50 dollar bills. The woman at the bar took a long time to give me change, and a long time to make my drink. I asked her why she takes so long. She said “there are 50 other people trying to get a drink right now.” I think she was lying. She was a woman after all. I wonder if she was working for ISIS, that’s why she took so long. She was making a plan. I ask her where she is from. She says “Russia.” I can’t hear her so I ask again. She says “Russia, Russia, Russia.” But it could also be China. I don’t give the woman a tip. That’s bad business. She made an unhappy face. I think she wanted to have sex with me. This is very common, women want to have sex with me. But I have a wife, and some women I pay to have sex with me. But my wife, she only has sex with me. If she were having sex with other men, that is inappropriate. That is not nice.

I look around, and Toads is very dangerous. New Haven is very dangerous. In inner cities like New Haven, African-Americans, Hispanics, are living in hell because it’s so dangerous. You walk down the street, you get shot. What Toads needs is what no one right now except me is talking about. Two words: law and order. If Toads had law and order, I could have a good time. We need justice, we need armed police officers inside. I looked around and saw the tallest group: the heavyweight crew team. I had a brilliant idea: they could protect us. If we gave absolute power and violent force to the heavyweight crew team every Wednesday night, only then would Toads be safe. This is one way I could make America great again.

Suddenly the DJ played ‘Fuck Donald Trump’ by YG. I like that song a lot. I think the women of America should fuck me: I’m a very smart businessman. I’m the kind of man our country needs right now. That song is a rapper song, a song that a hip-hop man sings, and normally I do not like them. But I like this one. YG is very smart. He is urging women to fuck Donald Trump, because he knows I can make America great again. He knows I am important for the future of this country. For a while I thought YG was from China, because YG, I am pretty sure, is a Chinese name — it’s not American, that’s for sure. No one on my golf course is called YG. But now I see he is too smart.

My friend came up to me and asked me if I want to go to Mamoun’s. I asked what Mamoun’s was, and he said it was Lebanese food. I laughed in his face, and you know why. Lebanese food comes from Lebanon, which is the capital of Beirut, which is in Iraq. And ISIS formed in Iraq. If we had taken the oil when we were in Iraq, if we had taken the oil, there would be no ISIS. There would also be no Mamoun’s, which I am pretty sure does catering. Catering means they cater to ISIS splinter cells on campus, I know that much. Also they serve baklava, which is very close to a balaclava, which is what ISIS wears when it wants to destroy our country. For that reason, I will not go to Mamoun’s: I have made myself perfectly clear. No other candidate has made themselves this clear.

After a while, a member of the heavyweight crew team came up to me and told me I owed him money, and would I pay him back please. I said no. Not paying people back makes me smart. I’ve been owing people money for almost 15 years. I don’t mind it. He punched me in the stomach. A little later, I threw up on the floor. Someone said “Go home Donald, you’re drunk.” But I wasn’t drunk, because I remembered I wanted to make America great again. No one could be drunk and think so bigly as I did just then.

The author would like to add that he in no way endorses Trump, and this piece is intended only as satire.