Despite our political differences, the one thing we can all agree on is that I am the only candidate running for Yale College Council president. And even though I’ve spent two years on the YCC, we all know that the best insider makes the best outsider.
If you’re like me — and I know I am — you’ll recognize that the YCC has made Yale basically perfect. But they told me I have to have issues, so let’s talk about some issues.
First, with two new residential colleges opening and 800 more students coming to Yale, Toad’s is going to have to expand. In what direction? It is not yet clear. But I will build a great, great Toad’s — nobody builds Toad’s better than me, believe me — and it’s going to be a beautiful Toad’s, and Quinnipiac is going to pay for it. Mark my words.
Second, many have asked if Yale is ready for coed libraries. I say yes, the time has come. In previous elections, candidates have said that “conquering death and coed libraries are both important but equally implausible.” I say it is possible, and as the only candidate, no one can contradict me. Also, while we’re on the subject of libraries, are you aware that Yale has many rare books and manuscripts? We should build them a library. Maybe it can even have a cool and memorable shape, like a grey Rubik’s Cube or Stephen Schwarzman’s ’69 head.
Third, I pledge to normalize relations between Fish Stark ’17 and Sarah Eidelson ’12. The peace of this great nation depends on it. Frankly, the News’ coverage of this conflict has been highly biased. It’s time we stop pointing fingers and reach a two-person solution.
Fourth, water. We all use it. We all love it. We all know it.
And finally, I promise to increase President Peter Salovey’s intramurals participation rate. In his three years since becoming the 23rd president of Yale University, Salovey has yet to play an IM sport. While divesting from fossil fuels, campaigning to change the name of Calhoun College and eliminating the student income contribution are noble goals, I will direct my focus to the broader issue of encouraging Salovey to play Spikeball or inner-tube water polo.
I do recognize the practical limitation, however, that only the Yale Corporation can officially force Salovey to participate in coed water polo or a similar IM sport. Blackmail and coercion are a different approach, however, and I’m all about using out-of-the-box ideas.
All kidding aside, I’m running for president to bring imagination, focus and humor back to the YCC. While these qualities alone can’t solve the challenges we face, they will help inject fresh energy and enthusiasm into the Yale community. Together, we can build a college council and campus that students are proud of and excited about, and that affects real, authentic and lasting change.
I invite you to learn more about me and my platform — which addresses financial aid, mental health, ethnic studies programs and cultural resources and reforming sexual assault policy — on my Facebook page and website: carterycc2016.com.
Together, we can make things less bad.
Carter Helschien is a sophomore in Morse College. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org .