Today is Halloween, and unlike those gold-star overachievers who nabbed their costumes weeks in advance, you’ve found yourself all alone in a spooky place. Plus, you didn’t get YSO tickets, so going out’s not worth it anyway. Luckily, I have a solution. Here are some Yale-themed costumes that don’t require you to see other people, but do require some social media.


1. Section Asshole — email your class’s panlist during the YSO show, asking your professor for clarification on the details of your upcoming midterm. Sign your email, “regards” or perhaps “best wishes” if you’re feeling extra precious today. Add a signature with your full name (include/invent a middle initial), class year and GPA. If you’re feeling really on it, throw in a quote from Burke.


2. Fratstar — text your friends at 15-minute intervals that you are at [insert frat here] and “come come come so we can RAGEEE.” When they arrive at [insert frat here] tell them you’ve left and actually gone to [insert other frat here] but also “come come come It’s SO GOOD.” If they catch on, tell them you’ve gone to DKE. They won’t follow.


3. #onbrand — turn off the lights in your room and spin in circles while making a Snapchat video. Play your favorite song in the background (suggested: a single from Taylor’s new album). Caption “HALLOWEEN” with a few brand-appropriate emojis. Send the video to all your friends and add it to your story. If anyone replies back, reply with the same video. Tomorrow morning, upload a screenshot of your Snapchat to Instagram (recommended filter: Rise). No one will remember your costume; everyone will remember your brand.


4. The troll — prowl the internet for a provocative article to post on Facebook. Share with the line “worth a read,” preferably in a widely used group. Reply to every angry comment with a more obscure, even more inflammatory article. Let the adrenaline flow through you with every new like and comment. This is what matters now. This is what you do.


5. G-chatty — change your Gchat status more than three times in a 12-hour period. Warning: Some people find this scary because they are afraid of change.


6. FOOT – tell people that you can’t go to their parties because you “have a FOOT thing.” Specify, as necessary, with a random series of letters and numbers (“it’s for all the TK5 people”). Send Snapchats with a Nalgene and some fancy granola as necessary.


7. TUIB member — see above (even/especially if you never did FOOT).


8. YDN reporter — text a friend about a seemingly innocuous subject (dining hall selections or their thoughts on their TF). Print their reply in the next morning’s paper.

By the way, [name redacted] ’15 thinks that Silliman’s dining hall is “idk. totally lame.”


9. Career-oriented — You’re not on campus for Halloween. You have interviews. Text a couple of friends this to remind them that you have interviews. Casually ask if they even know where OCS is.


10. Senior — don’t go to any parties. Don’t give any excuses. You don’t owe anyone anything.