Are you stuck hosting a friend from our less fortunate Cambridge counterpart this weekend? Are you bitter about it? Because I would be. I’m sure you did enough babysitting in high school to last a lifetime, but sometimes life throws you adult-sized babies to occupy for a few days, so you’ll just have to buckle down and make the best of the situation. Here are a few hints to help you be the most mind-blowingly awesome host your Crimson lesser half has ever had. Best of luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor.

Take them Camping!

Fly the crimson adventure flag and pack a feast, we’re going camping! After a long, stressful weekend of crushing back Solo cup after Solo cup of lukewarm beer and cheap mixed drinks, our brethren from Cambridge will probably need a breather Saturday night. Skip Soad’s and give the poor kids a break. The best way to escape? Bring them to the great outdoors! I hear the New Haven Green is the best place to camp on a Saturday night. Make sure to tell them to set their sleeping bags up under the trees, where they might be graced by a visit from the fabled Elm City fairies, who — as legend has it — bathe lucky visitors with a good luck serum every full moon. Make sure you check up on your guests once in a while with a camera so you can capture the precious moment when they wake up to said fairy — otherwise known as a rogue Q-Packer — squatting over them for quick relief.

Laundry Service

Did your Harvardian dirty his favorite collegiate sweater? Assure him he should have no fear — you know exactly what to do for a quick fix. No, no, put the Tide pen away. Offer them laundry service, free of charge. It’s simply your nature as a selfless Yalie to help out the … less capable. Grab the sweatshirt and your detergent for good measure. “I’ll be back in a jiff.” Run to Saybrook. Brown goes well with crimson.

How to Make Friends

Is your Crimson having a rough time fitting in at Yale? Tell her the key to social success: Talk about how much you hate chicken tenders. No one at Yale likes chicken tenders. Especially not on Thursdays. Even if your friend loves chicken tenders, tell her it’s social suicide to consume them here. Saying you love chicken tenders is like saying Voldemort is your bff. Pizza, too. Wenzels? Don’t get me started.

And also make sure to let your Crimson know that here at Yale, we love when people grace us with tales of their academic successes. Set the curve in organic chemistry? Find all the premeds and let loose. Got an 800 on all the SAT subject tests? Talk about it. Talk all about it. Got into HYP and had the roughest time choosing between the three? Tell us more. Also, be sure to detail why you chose Harvard. It’s a great conversation starter. Bitches love Harvard.


And here’s some mealtime advice for your visitor: brunch. If you want to eat your way to China, no one will judge you. Ice cream on your waffles? Go for it, bro. It would be a shame if your guests missed out on the most revered two and a half hours of pure gluttonous munching this side of the Charles. Hung over? No problem. Morse and Stiles serve a fabulous brunch spread starting at 8:30 a.m. with all the scrambled eggs you could ever need to pacify the acids in your gut. Make sure to get there early — no food is served after 11:30.

Naked Party Etiquette

If your clueless Crimson is into shaking it in his birthday suit, inform him about naked party etiquette. The polite partygoer must compliment his peers by ogling all the naughty bits. Touching is welcome. Lots of touching. Disrobing on top of tables is highly encouraged.

And Finally, Drop Them off at Toad’s!

When your Harvardian wants to know the best way to cap off their Yale experience, be sure to tell the truth: Toad’s is the best place on the planet! No, guys, it’s better than any club you’ve ever been to, I swear. It’s the highest-class shit you’ve ever seen, and you should TOTALLY wear your Brooks Brother’s jacket. Cufflinks are a must. Girls, evening gowns only. What if you need to free your toes from the confines of your Jimmy Choos, you ask? Not a problem, the floor’s so clean you can eat off of it. I hear they send someone around with a mop and buffer every 15 minutes to keep the venue clean and pristine. Also, go sober. No one goes drunk.