That you’re reading this tells me a few things: You have eyes, you are literate and you have reached the end of the sixth week of the semester. We’re halfway there, folks. But I’m afraid you’ll have to keep the champagne on ice a few weeks more. After all, midterm means one thing: midterms.

Your humble WEEKEND correspondent took to the streets to find out what everyone is up against. Here’s what several actual fictional Yale students had to say:

Felix Shoebox ’16: “Oh my goodness, you have no idea. I can’t talk. I have to write a whole paper by tomorrow! And I’ve only written three-quarters of it!”

James James (J.J.) Chubb “’16”: “I have this 10-page paper. Thing is, it was due in 1975. Yeah, I’m a pretty terrible student. Also, I’m having a little trouble convincing my roommate that I’m a freshman.”

Nina Lime Rickey ’13: “I’m a chemistry major, so whatever I say right now will probably sound like gibberish to you.”

Carla Candlestick ’15: “I have three papers, two exams and one oral presentation — but before I can do any of that, I need to pass the key in my stomach and unlock these handcuffs! Magic!”

Seymour H. Manatee ’14: “I’m an English major, so whatever I say right now will make you want to punch me.”

Katherine Needles MED ’28: “I need to bring this cadaver back from the dead. I am in medical school, and that is how medical school works.”

Arthur Ceiling-Fan ’13: “Oh my goodness, you have no idea. I can’t talk. I have spent so much time pathologically overextending myself in order to make other people think I’m great, and now I’m paying the price for my low self-esteem!”

Andre ’3000: “I am so stressed! I know everyone says that, but I’m trapped under a giant boulder and my body is under a great deal of stress. Hey — come back! Help me out from under this rock!”

Feline M. Floorboard ’14: “For my midterms this year I worked for an investment bank as an intern and made $15,000. I think this midterm season will look very good on a resume.”

Gray S. Lake ’14: “I’m a theater major, so whatever I say right now will be a fancy way of saying that my only midterm assignment is to come to class and walk like how a kitten would walk. Theory!”

Cornelius Vanderbilt XXVII ’$$: “Oh my goodness, you have no idea. I can’t talk. And I’m going to keep saying that so I can feel superior to everyone around me.”

Grum Bernstein ’14: “I’m working on a really fabulous project for one of my classes. I’m very proud of it. But if I don’t get into a society, it will all be meaningless.”