Each week, the ladies of Stiff Questions concoct a seasonal cocktail and discuss life’s big questions.
Children: a nuisance or a nag? This week, the ladies address this timeless question and attempt to reconcile with the unsettling answer. To comfort themselves from the ills of the world and the snow outside, the ladies have selected a seasonal and, perhaps inappropriately, innocent cocktail: the White Russian.
The contributors for this week’s column are Miss Bully Idol, Miss Ty Moutcorner, and Miss Amie Chua.
Ms. I: I think we should start off today by listing things children do that make us see red with fury.
Ms. M: Children are always quick to point out any physical abnormality — especially the ones on your face.
Ms. C: And they have no filters! One thing about children that drives me up the wall is their substitution of the letter W for the letter R. What kind of a name is Wachel?!
Ms. I.: Ridiculous! Those are two entirely different letters!
Ms. M: Even worse, they frequently pee themselves in public.
Ms. C: They chew their shirts and suck on their hair. Evolutionarily, why would you ever seek nutrition in your hair?
Ms. M: Yeah, and they don’t even drink — what prudes!
Ms. C: Right, either they’re prude or they’re filthy! There’s no middle ground.
Ms. I: They can’t even grow facial hair.
Ms. M: You never see a kid with a tattoo.
Ms. C: They can’t hold heavy objects.
Ms. I: They also have that perpetual, solidified mucus tract from the bottom of their noses to the top of their upper lips.
Ms. M: Which they seem to enjoy ingesting.
Ms. I: In small increments.
Ms. C: In constant increments, like an IV of snot.
Ms. M: Children are revolting.
Ms. C Who needs ’em?!
Ms. M: They don’t even have jobs.
Ms. I: They’re sucking the economy dry.
Ms. C: Bunch of freeloaders.
Ms. I: They’ll eat all your food and suck all your breastmilk …
Ms. C: Another thing I hate about children is that they often force you to be immoral because you have to lie to convince them to do something that’s actually to their own benefit. For example, when you’re trying to feed a child delicious headcheese, you’ll have to pretend it’s applesauce!
Ms. M: And the little shit won’t even believe you!
Ms. C: So now let’s move on to the next section: discharging what we as people of the grownup persuasion see as fit punishment.
Ms. I: Two words: the chokey.
Ms. M: But if you want to kill two birds and get an arm workout at the same time — I found tossing children by their pigtails does wonders for my arm flab.
Ms. C: You can have them do chores.
Ms. M: Servants require so much money and attention and fair treatment — I say we replace servants with children!
Ms. C: You don’t have to pay them.
Ms. M: You can produce them very cheaply.
Ms. I: They’re the untapped workforce of the future.
Ms. M: Yes, they do take a bit of time to ripen, though. But as soon as they’re scooting or crawling, you can put a mop on them.
Ms. C: Let’s learn a lesson from the Amish — we should take our children out of school after the sixth grade so that they don’t begin to question us.
Ms. I: Yes, we can indoctrinate them. “THOU SHALT NOT BE A CHILD.”
Ms. C: So why, if children are so abhorrent, do we bother to have them in the first place? Why this urge to procreate?
Ms. I: I think that the desire to reproduce derives itself from the more primal desire to punish them.
Ms. M: And now we have the right tricks to do so!
Ms. C: On that note, I think it’s a good time to announce to our readers … we’re all pregnant!
Ms. M: Oh my goodness and in labor!
Ms. I: Shame we won’t get to finish our White Russians.
Ms. M: But we don’t have to forget them entirely if we name our respective children Cream, Kahlua and Vodka.
Ms. C: Well, whatever my daughter’s official name is, she’s going by “FISTWAD.”
You can look forward to Stiff Questions on the 3rd of February with a new and similarly scintillating topic of conversation.