Nora Ephron once said, “everything is copy.” I know this not because I am a 60-year-old woman (I think legally you have to be one to read Nora Ephron. Lawyer joke! Nailed it!) but because my mother told me that today in consolation when I emailed her in tears. To clarify, she knew that I was in tears because I wrote several times in the email “I AM CRYING I AM CRYING I AM CRYING” (it is so fun to have me as your daughter, but I think that ship has sailed for most people, sorry!). I was crying I was crying I was crying because I left three books on my desk in the staxxx that I desperately needed to write a research paper, while I went to print something out. I forget what it was, probably “Mrs. John Darnielle” over and over with Microsoft Paint hearts around it, we live in an age of technology, but anyway, when I returned after 15 minutes, both these books AND the cheerful “I’ll be right back! ☺” note I uncharacteristically left were gone. And the SML people did not take them, I asked, and I saw honesty in their eyes, along with other things that are normally in eyes. And my bike helmet was still there, but it had been moved, as if to say, “Fuck you, I don’t want your bike helmet to be in exactly the same place and position in which you left it.” And there was a gum wrapper on my chair which hadn’t been there before, as if to say, “Fuck you, I have been here, and I was chewing gum. Or carrying around a gum wrapper. You do the math. The math of this gum wrapper. Is that math? That’s math, right?” This person, like myself, struggled to get a B in BC Calc.
Anyway, was this “copy,” Nora Ephron, writer of “When Harry Met Sally…” I think? Did I get a fun story out of it? Well, 1) you be the judge!!! and 2) no, I didn’t, it just sucks. Some asshole who really likes the cultural history of the Vietnam War or who really doesn’t like me took these books. I sympathize, as I also respectively like and dislike these things (just kidding! History is boring), but still, I can’t stand for that. Whoever they are, I will find them, and I will do something legal but painful to them. Maybe insult them, but not libelously. Considering that I basically have no leads, though, they shouldn’t be too worried. All I know is that they got into Sterling sometime before 3:30 p.m. and they are able to physically pick up books. Otherwise, I’m flying blind here, baby. Also, I just checked my email, and someone signed me up for YaleLunch. That’s funny, because that someone isn’t me. I don’t have time to eat lunch! I’m writing papers here! Stop it! I am no cyber detective! And I’m not much of a detective detective, either. I never said I was perfect. In fact, mostly I imply that I am very flawed for comic effect.
Nora Ephron is lying. This is not copy and even if it were, I don’t have the time or energy (I haven’t slept in 36 hours, and my body is a cave of despair. Hottt) to fully flesh it out. I now have to write that essay with the replacement books I got, and don’t have time to write some bullshit view that only my immediate family will read anyway, and maybe not even my brother if he is busy. He is in a legal-themed sketch comedy troupe at law school! Those exist and are very cool, almost too cool, like they don’t know what’s good for them. Pride cometh before a fall, but joy endureth in the morning. What? I don’t know! Happy Hanukkah, guys. Did you know that they didn’t have Hanukkah during the Vietnam War because the soldiers were too busy being in “Apocalypse Now”? Me neither, I’m just guessing! But the person who took my books knows. They’re knowing all the way to the bank. Things happen for a reason, but sometimes the reason is awful.