Last week, as I sat watching the Glenn Beck show with a fat maduro between my teeth, I discovered that the United States was on the verge of communist insurrection. The situation appeared so dire it actually moved the program’s commentator to tears. Citizen Reid had already pushed America’s death sentence through the Senate, and it was up to Comrade Pelosi to make it the law of the land. Similar satanic coup-d’etats had apparently already come to fruition in Canada and France.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am not French. I like pasteurized cheese, professional sports and sex with women. I hate the welfare state almost as much as I hate paying the taxes that fund it. Over two hundred years of manly self-reliance and the United States now stood to undergo a national vasectomy (known in scientific circles as a Francoplasty).

Then it hit me. I smoke about a billion cigars a day. I won’t be able to afford the enormous medical bills for the health care that I will almost assuredly require.

I never exercise, and I’m a student with zero annual income. I’m not going to pay a dime into this communist takeover of our government. Chairman Obama won’t be collectivizing my farm. All this nonsense already started decades ago with Medicare anyway. After connecting a few dots, just like Glenn Beck told me to, I realized that the Mayans predicted all this thousands of years ago. There is nothing left to do, the Doomsday Machine has already been triggered. No amount of truck-driving Scott Browns or head-shaking Samuel Alitos will reverse it. We must embrace it.

Human life on earth will soon be extinct. We must escape to the mineshafts. We will bring with us ten women to each man and ten cigars to each woman. We’ll meet again.

Review: Padron 1964 Anniversario

Strength: Medium-Full

Shape: Double Corona

Cost: ~$16

I have never smoked a Padron 1926 or 1964 Anniversario that I didn’t like. Though the market is flooded with overpriced smokes—the individually boxed, forty-dollar Stradivarius comes to mind—these are worth every penny (particularly when the Yale Daily News is picking up the tab). For a medium to full bodied smoke, this cigar’s smoke is light and nutty, with a hint of citrus. Heaven with a Magic Hat #9. A-