INT. SSS 114. A student wearing thin-rimmed glasses, pajama pants and a wrinkly “One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Harvard Sucks” T-shirt that hasn’t been washed since, well, The Game, stares blankly at Question #14 on his midterm, scratching his head. The camera pans to his paper.
A: Oh hey there. I’m A, and I’m just sitting here waiting for you, right on top of the stack. Don’t you want to just fill in my bubble and wipe your hands clean of this whole business? I know you want to.
B: Hi, I’m B.
A: That’s fine – go on, go on. I always knew you were a big tease, that you’d pass me by to go flirt with all of the other letters. But trust me. You’ll come back, once you’ve ravished all the others with that big bad Mead Ticonderoga you’re packing. Everyone always comes back to good ‘ole A.
B: I’m B, and you should definitely pick me. Everyone knows that “B” is the most common answer on a multiple choice test. I’m just such a well-rounded, solid choice. Irresistible, really. I’m not too long, not too short, and don’t have any of those “alarm” words that your 11th grade English teacher taught you like “always” or “never” or “herpes.”
C: No, no, no, I’m clearly the right choice. I’m just chillin’ down here, tucked ever so deeply into the fold, the eternal dark horse. And plus I’m not about to ramble on about myself like those other two.
B: Remember all those stupid APs you took so that you would get into Yale? REMEMBER WHAT THEY SAID. Chicago is what? CHICAGO is (B) a city.
D: Uh, hello? You haven’t even looked at me yet and I’m sooooo the obvious pick. “All of the above?” Why would the professor make “all of the above” one of the choices unless it’s the correct answer?
B: Right! The professor did that on PURPOSE to try to throw you off!
D: So what then, you’re going to put B? You’ve put B down for the last three questions in a row!
C: NO! NO! HE’S TRYING TO TRICK YOU!
D: How do you know I’m a “he?” That’s soooo andronormative.
B: I’mma B. I’mma B. I’mma I’mma I’mma B.
A: You’re gonna put all your chips in the FERGIE basket? The woman who doesn’t know how to spell “TASTY?”
D: Yeah, that’s soooo two-thousand and late.
C: Has college taught you nothing? Always go with Taylor. WHY CAN’T YOU CEEEEEE—
B: You BEEEEE-long—
D: TO DEEEEEE
A: A Bay Bay. A BAY BAY.
Student fills in the bubble corresponding to “(E) You do not have enough information to answer this question” and moves on.