I often try to make my columns humorous and satirical, incorporating hypothetical and often delusional scenarios to illustrate absurd points that eventually induce volleys of hateful, anonymous posts by vegans on the News’ Web site. I considered writing another such column this week, but I must admit that, out of patriotism, I cannot. Our country is in the midst of a pivotal campaign, the ramifications of which will cut across all facets of your life and world, and it would be wrong to turn attention away from that by regurgitating more satire about my roommate, who is, of course, still a virgin.

Instead, I want to focus on the election and, more specifically, on issues that have erstwhile been ignored by both John McCain and Barack Obama. Beyond the economic crisis, the energy crisis, abortion and health care is a bevy of decisive issues that may be deciding factors for voters who, like me, have been extremely satisfied with the previous eight years and are not, in any way, energized by either campaign’s empty message to “change” the way “broken politics” are done in “Washington, D.C.”

One such issue that has flown under the radar but that is extremely significant is the dangerous Shia Labeouf crisis. Many Americans are seemingly unaware of the predicament in which we find ourselves, so allow me to explain: Since his 2003 debut in “Holes,” Shia Labeouf has made decent, movie-going Americans feel like absolute hell, since it is inconceivable to any rational person that someone with so little talent could make so much money doing such awful work. If Shia Labeouf is making millions, shouldn’t we all be making billions? He denigrates the rigid meritocracy on which this country rests, and makes a mockery out of hardworking Americans who just want to watch cars transform into weaponized flying death machines.

His eyebrows are also disturbingly thick.

But what are John McCain and Barack Obama proposing to do about Shia and his heinous atrocities? Absolutely nothing. He continues to walk the streets a free man, and neither candidate has proposed any plan to lift us out of our current crisis. Interestingly enough, Yale University is partly responsible for the widespread inaction, since it hosted Shia while he was filming the fourth Indiana Jones movie. We may have divested from Darfur, but does Yale’s fight for social and political justice stop there?

I can honestly say that, had I been in New Haven at the time, I would have taken personal responsibility for Shia Labeouf’s surveillance, arrest, interrogation and shipment to Azerbaijan for things that definitely don’t include waterboarding, because that’s illegal. Upon returning to the United States, I would have personally overseen Shia dutifully telling the press that he only went to Azerbaijan for a birthday party, and then I would have taken him to military prison, where his eyebrows can’t hurt anyone.

The Shia Labeouf crisis, however, is only the tip of the crisis iceberg, or, as it’s known in my imagination, the “criseberg.” Below the surface, constantly threatening to tear a hole in the hull of the maiden voyage of the oceanliner America, are the Jonas Brothers. Again, while the triplets from hell wreak havoc on our proud nation, Barack Obama and John McCain sit idle, indulging in lofty debates about “energy policy,” “taxes” and “how hot Sarah Palin must have been twenty years ago if she looks that good now.”

Meanwhile, normal Americans are left in turmoil. Our grandparents are old enough to remember when the fascism of the 1940s was a genuine threat. But subsequent generations, borne of comfort, political apathy and the Disney Channel, were raised thinking such threats would never again arise.

The result of such complacency is that, right under our eyes, the Jonas Brothers have emerged as a veritable fascist force to be reckoned with, threatening to turn back democratic human progress with their vapid, high-pitched lyrics, tuneless melodies and backing by the Walt Disney Corporation, which also produced propaganda for Hitler. They are the fearless leaders of a legion of bloodthirsty, perfectly manicured Disney Channel fans, and unless we act quickly to suppress this imminent national security threat, before you know it you will be wearing tapered jeans and obnoxiously welcoming any comparison to the Beatles.

You may also have extraordinarily large eyebrows before you know it, like the Jonas Brothers have.

Shia Labeouf, too.

But Yalies, you’d never now about the Jonas Brothers or Shia Labeouf if you just listened to the candidates ramble on about policy. It just goes to show how disconnected they are from the real issues that affect real Americans. Has neither of them seen the new Indiana Jones movie and thought to himself, “My God, only an Indiana Jones film with Shia Labeouf would even dare to incorporate aliens. This premise is simply absurd, and I want that man arrested and sent to Azerbaijan”?

These are the issues that matter to America, and I’ll be damned if this campaign continues without a robust debate on what should be done. The longer we wait to act, the longer Shia Labeouf has to act. It’s simply not worth the risk.