Q: Why does no one acknowledge that the American Apparel store coming to Broadway is going to ruin all of our lives?

A: Since American Apparel is synonymous with all things ethical (vertically integrated manufacturing, employee-friendly lighting, Dov Charney masturbating in public) I am glad to join you in taking a stand against it. I am not saying that I am not looking forward to never doing laundry again. Moreover, I thoroughly plan to sleep for the rest of my Yale career on a pile of multicolored cotton products. And I’ll freely admit that I am wearing four AmAp items right now, and can identify about ten more in my peripheral vision.

The first of my many issues with the arrival of this new store is probably rooted in my crotchety resistance to change. I’m still a wreck from the introduction of Nunavut, the newest Canadian territory, back in ’99, and I’m about as invested in Canadian geography as I am in professional women’s football (it exists; I Googled it). Of course, I am not saying the current Urban Outfitters/J. Crew situation is good. But just for a second, imagine what the average Yalie is going to look like wearing a three-store combo outfit.

This is what you should be seeing in the bubble over your head: those silver lace-up dance sneakers, Vegas sparkly leggings, some kind of plaid quilted skirt, a Hello Kitty t-shirt, Lindsay Lohan’s overdose Salt and Pepper hoody and a tortoise shell headband.

I just threw up a little in my mouth.

I sound like I am exaggerating, but I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been to Columbia University. On Halloween, the light bounces endlessly off gold lamé clinging to thousands of sweaty bodies creating an effect not unlike having a seizure. Spandex grips orifices that you didn’t know people had on the bodies of people whose orifices you never wanted to consider. Lamé does not a costume make.

What will I be wearing when you and I form a very small picket line in front of windows festooned with images of leotard-wearing, greasy-haired ladies baring their camel toes for the camera? The soon-to-be-released Pinpoint Oxford Button-up shirt, Travel Blazer and Four-way Stretch Twill High Waist Zipper Pant. And yes, I will carry my megaphone in the Acid Washed Denim Duffel Bag that I will pre-order as soon as possible. But I will only be wearing them until everyone else in 20th Century Art shows up to class in matching outfits. The day David Joselit walks up to the lectern in the Velour Long Sleeve Raglan is the day that my soul will die.

The little slim-slack-wearing person in my head tells me that I should remove myself from the American Apparel mailing list, maybe even stop compulsively ordering things online, instead of kvetching to the reading public. But if I am going to complain effectively, I think I need to stay up-to-date on the enemy’s maneuvers.

And speaking of the latest tactics of the Charney Empire, I think I’ll state that it was weird when American Apparel endorsed presidential candidates. Stay out of my head, AmAp, you are nothing but a store! Stop trying to tell me that I will be cool if I buy mini Sharpies. Just because I’m wearing your underwear doesn’t mean you can tell me what to do. Are you going to advise me in my class selection too? How many children should I have? Smooth or crunchy peanut butter? Answer me, goddammit. I know you read this newspaper because you heeded the commands of Madison Moore, so listen to me now, and go away.

Summary: The end is near.

Emma Allen combines the look of denim and the comfort of our high-waisted leggings — perfect for sporty and dressy styles alike. May dull or scratch with repeated wearing.