I saw a movie starring Jack Nicholson recently. In it, he plays an ornery author with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He becomes unlikely friends with his gay neighbor and a waitress, played by Greg Kinnear and Helen Hunt, respectively. If you still don’t know what movie I’m talking about, let me narrow it down further. At one point he enters the waiting room of his psychiatrist’s office, and asks those waiting, “What if this is as good as it gets?”
Do you recognize what movie I’m talking about now?
It’s called “The Bucket List.”
So let me tell you about my fantasy: I’m the star of a summer blockbuster rom-com tearjerker action movie. Morgan Freeman plays the role of my best friend. We decide that before he dies and before I graduate, we’re going to make a list of all the things we’re going to do before these respective deadlines. Five minutes into the film, Morgan Freeman dies when zombies erupt out of a small volcano the size of a toilet. They stab him in the eye with a birthday party hat (the pointy ended kind, usually covered in Sponge Bob Squarepants or My Little Ponies) and blood shoots out of the circle end of the hat. No offense, Morgan Freeman, but this is my fantasy, and what I imagine goes! It’s nothing against you — I just want the gravitas of having a friend who just passed away to haunt my character throughout the movie, so later in the fantasy, when I’m nominated for an Oscar, I can win. Anyhoo, Morgan Freeman dies, I cross off all the things on my list, one of which, incidentally, is to stave off a Zombie apocalypse, and I’m nominated for and win an Oscar for Best Human Actress in a Movie Mostly Starring Cyborgs.
The following is the list I made in that fantasy. I think most of it applies to my senior year, so I’m publishing it here. That way I’ll be forced to follow through with my cap and gown list.
1. Watch the sun rise over East Rock.
2. Do all of the reading assignments for one class in their entirety.
3. Scale Harkness Tower and perch on top of it like a brooding superhero.
4. Successfully recognize one song that the Carilloneurs play.
5. Befriend the entire class of 2011 on the facebook.com, poke all of them, and send them messages with no subjects that consist of a sleazy wink emoticon.
6. Go to Louis’s Lunch and ask for a slice of pizza.
7. Boycott a random concert at Toad’s, let’s say one of the Billie Joel cover bands.
8. Enjoy an entire lineup for Spring Fling.
9. Eat at the Pantry.
10. Throw a dance party in the Philosophy Reading Room in the stacks of SML.
11. See what’s up this “science hill” I hear people complain about so frequently.
12. Successfully remove myself from the Old Campus Risk panlist.
13. Crowd-surf at a Saturday Night Dance Party at Toad’s.
14. Win an Oscar in an unusual category.
15. Prevent a Zombie Apocalypse from destroying humanity using only a spork and a can of Chef Boyardee Spaghetti-Os.
As a senior, I do hope to accomplish some of these things. But let’s be real — some of these things are just ludicrous, insane and completely impossible. I think I need to adjust my expectations so that the list is a series of “realistic challenges.” In that vein, I’m going to cross “Enjoy an entire lineup for Spring Fling” off my list, because when bands like Nickelback are in the running, there’s just no chance of that ever happening. I’m keeping the rest of the list intact. Wish me luck!
Please remove Celeste Ballard from this list.