Butternut Squash:

Don’t let the name fool you! These tricky but tasty gourds are made of neither nuts nor butter. Butternut squash grow best in climates like New England’s and, though they start out small, they slowly ripen into long, fleshy columns bursting with flavor. Put a little butter on them right out of the oven, and you’re sure to go nuts!

Local grower Kathy Levinson’s specimens really squash the competition. We asked her how she manages to make her gourds so good. “The trick is to talk to them,” she told us. “Sometimes I sleep out in the field with them, holding whispered conferences beneath the naked moon. What they really like is when you croon to them. The love sound comes from the back of your throat and huskily advances.”

Watch out for Kathy’s butternuts in a dining hall near you!

Water:

The next time you see someone drinking bottled water on the street, stop and ask them why they hate Mother Earth and Her children. Many people don’t know that bottled water causes enormous environmental damage. Last year, bottling water released more than 2.5 million tons of CO2 into the atmosphere. Roughly speaking, that means more than 18,000 pandas died because of your weakness.

That’s why we’re proud to get our water locally, straight from the Quinnipiac River. Run down to East Rock Park sometime and take a look at the River’s majestic flow (make sure to wear closed toed shoes!!). That’s the water we’re pumping straight to your dining hall with no CO2 or energy-intensive purification methods to get in the way.

We talked to New Haven resident Wendell Graves about why he thinks the water’s so good: “I’ve lived down under the East Rock Bridge for three, maybe four years. It’s great because when the Gribblydooks come after me, I just swim out into the water and howl until they run away.”

Next time you reach for a Dasani, think about what a baby panda looks like dead.

Vegan Slop:

So maybe you think that you’re better than everyone and restrict yourself to a goofy diet. No worries! We’re committed to making sure that all of the dishes you can eat in the dining halls are completely unidentifiable. There might be meat in there, but how can you be sure? Is that a chunk of tofu or of cruelty? Just go with our motto, “If it’s viscous, it’s delicious!”

Guess you should have moved off campus this year!

Laffy Taffy:

Just kidding!

Babies:

On average, it takes ten calories of fossil fuel energy to produce one calorie of food energy in the United States.

If we want to be energy-independent, we’re going to have to make sacrifices.

Crack Cocaine:

If there’s one comestible that New Haven locals know how to produce, it’s crack cocaine. New Haven is a nationally recognized hot spot for crack production, and in the words of one expert, “The shit that comes out of New Haven ain’t fucking around.” Indeed it ain’t!

Because of bizarre and inefficient systems of food production and transport in our country, most Yale students imbibe things from far away without even knowing what’s going on in their own backyard. Through partnerships with local producers, we are making sure that the uncanny abundance of crack in New Haven does not go unnoticed or untapped.

We went out to North Frontage road to pay an onsite visit to one of our local partners, who goes by “Big John.” “It’s mean. It’s good. It’ll do what its meant to do,” Big John promises. Big John switched over from ammonia to sodium bicarbonate a few years ago and says it was one of the best decisions of his life. Godspeed, Big John!

Henceforth, Sustainable Sundae Sundays will be Sustainable Funday Sundays.

Revolution:

The omnivore has resolved its dilemma! There can be only one answer, and that is Glorious Revolution! We shall meet them in their Friendly’s, in their Popeye’s and their Dunkin’ Donuts! We must answer Chairman Pollan’s call: now is the time for Ploughshares to become Swords. Their plebian tongues will know the bitter yet surprisingly good taste of organic leeks. Their eyes will water when they see truffles, but not the chocolate kind. Last year, Berkeley; this year, the world.

Sing, comrade, by dawn we shall see Alice Waters’ army marching from the West!

Steven Kochevar is preparing for the tasty, tasty future.