This summer I was watching a soon-to-be-cancelled show on NBC, and on the first of what will be about six episodes the main characters were telling their buddy that if he has to choose between his girlfriend and them, he should observe the age old adage “bros before hoes.” (Sidebar 1: What happened to Must-See TV? This fall from grace can probably only be matched by Maurice Clarett’s recent criminal indiscretions — come on, Mo. Did you really think you could get away with armed robbery in Columbus? NBC used to own Thursday. Now, I’m pretty sure even the BET VJs could get a sitcom deal).
Bros before hoes?
Let’s go ahead and file that right behind “stop snitching” and “no new taxes” in the “ridiculously idealistic sayings that hold up negative 11 out of 10 times in real life” box. I mean honestly friends, if people picked bros before hoes, none of us would have gotten to reenact the Tour de Fallopia at the beginning of “Look Who’s Talking.” (Sidebar 2: Whenever I get a little down, I remember that out of six million sperm, I flicked my little tail the hardest).
Now, you could argue that this saying means a guy should not pick some ragamuffin ho over his buddies, but if you think about it, a guy’s friends only pull that one out when they know a girl poses a threat to their priority seating. It’s pretty much understood that any stand-up guy is obligated to rank all ragamuffinry behind his homies (unless her sex has your boy in a spell. We all know how that goes). When people say “bros before hoes,” they’re talking about loyalty to the guy race, which supersedes any loyalty to girls because girls are girls and aren’t as good as boys because they are naturally hysterical and in need of guidance from rational beings. Thus the institution of marriage.
However, unless you’re like the Boy Wonder and plan to marry and impregnate a rich white girl for strictly financial purposes, bros will invariably place second to hoes. And you wanna know why? Because if you love Barry White, red meat or contact sports, you know you can’t have sex with your bros. But guess who you can have sex with? Hoes. In fact, when you find a good girl, she’s like a bro with a vagina and mammaries who you can hang out with and sex regularly. Come on, fellas, would we really rather hang out with our bros for extended periods of time (I’m talking days, weeks, months)? Not unless we’re 13 years old or in Zeta Psi.
For real, I’m not saying that guys should just giftwrap their nuts to the fairer sex, but there definitely has to be some balance. If guys really liked shacking up together, in the five years after college when you don’t actually have money, we would live in large apartment complexes together.
Come to think of it, they have places like that. They’re called YMCAs, and the only tenant requirement is a nicely trimmed mustache. And why don’t we do that? Because a bro-like person with a vagina put a hex on you (and because it’s creepy to live with a bunch of guys, even sans mustache). Peace to perpetuating the species.
Jon Pitts-Wiley is firmly attached to his belief that one can have both bros and hoes. He lives his life accordingly, but is easily upset (and mildly confused) by people who hold open a door for him and use the phrase “after you.”