With only a week before spring break kicks in, and with even more midterms still looming ahead of you, scene is pretty sure you haven’t had the time to work out plans for break. Thankfully, we’ve done the work for you. Just choose one of the tantalizing options below, and you’re sure to have a stellar fortnight free from Yale:
* Buy a last minute e-ticket to China, spend like one of Hu Jintao’s ilk and discover the wonders of communist labor — and the favorable exchange rate that the black market creates. At customs in LAX, loudly discuss how you found a cheap “Armani” suit on the back streets of Beijing.
* Tell Mom and Dad that you’re studying Renaissance paintings with your art history class in Florence. Spend the money they give you for plane fare on drinking bargain wine in NYC’s Little Italy. While urinating in public, mumble “Buon giorno, signora!” and “Mi piace il mio manicotti!” at passing tourists.
* “Borrow” your roommate’s car. Drive to Cancun to spend spring break with the boys of Saybrook’s 12-Pack. Observe their drunken social interactions as they attempt to “pick up babes” and “try not to be sooo gay, dude.” Take notes for your final paper in that anthropology seminar.
* Return to your family’s homestead. Spend the two weeks sleeping all day and watching trashy movies on Lifetime all night, wishing that Yale’s break aligned with that of the other schools where all your friends ‘study.’
* Join 25 percent of the senior class in remaining at Yale and writing 20 pages a day in a desperate effort to have a concrete body of original work by graduation.
* Beautify your resume and cover letter template. Return to Yale eager to apply to internships and summer jobs and schedule a meeting with a counselor at UCS. Practice the look of shock and despair for when he tells you that all application deadlines have passed. Begin a search for a farm that needs unskilled workers. (Remember: now’s not the time to discriminate between organic and inorganic farming.)
* Sex. There’s always the hottie from Suburban Town High that wouldn’t give you the time of day before you went to Yale. He still may not think you’re attractive, but he’s always happy to oblige during his 15-minute break at In ‘n’ Out Burger.
* Masturbation. You’ve gotta find something to fill the time in between your high school crush’s lunch breaks. And, as the saying (propagated by many a scene editor) goes, “You can’t expect someone to love you if you can’t diddle yourself.”