New Year’s resolutions. They’re cliched, cheesy, and unfulfilling. But damn, are they good vehicles for jokes. So let’s get to it, the resolutions that need to happen in 2006:

Lindsay Lohan: Here’s an idea: if you don’t want a magazine to report that you do coke and make yourself throw up, don’t tell them you do coke and make yourself throw up.

Rolling Stone: Stop treating modern rap music like it’s the second coming of the Beatles. Why does it merit an entire article every time Snoop Doggy Dogg and Puff Daddy change their names? Your orgasm over rap music is just paving the way for more hooligans like Lil Jon, 50 Cent, Ying Yang Twins, and Young Jeezy. Sure, Kanye’s “Late Registration” was good, but album of the year? C’mon. Half of rap’s lyrics have already been used in older rap songs, and the other half end in “izzle.” My fourth grade cousin makes poems more creative than this — and she rhymes without the aid of the “izzle” suffix.

Hollywood: Please, come up with something new. You wanna know why box office numbers are sagging faster than Britney Spears’ ass? Here are a few hints: “Starsky and Hutch,” “The Dukes of Hazzard,” “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” “The Stepford Wives,” “The Manchurian Candidate,” and “Bewitched.” The giant list of remakes is insulting. Unfortunately, I don’t see this trend stopping — I recently saw a trailer for “Miami Vice: The Colin Farrell Movie.” Look, I am an avid lover of “Miami Vice” and I miss it dearly. But that doesn’t mean I want Sonny Crockett’s untarnished legacy to be ruined by a mustachioed Colin Farrell. We have TV Land and VH1. We don’t need any more nostalgia.

Watch out for “Full House: The Movie!” I hear DJ makes out with Kimmy Gibbler.

New Haven drivers: Stop when the traffic light turns red. I know New Haven is a thriving, bustling economic center and you probably have an important job to get to, but a law’s a law.

ESPN: When you show us highlights, show us highlights, not a music video. Remember the good old days, when you used to show a 60-yard touchdown return in full? Now, you play them at super speed so you can fit in more quick MTV camera cuts of screaming fans, cheerleaders and U2, evoking the “therapy” scene from “A Clockwork Orange.” Your “Ultimate Highlight” sends me into epileptic shock, and I’m not even an anime-addicted 10 year-old Japanese kid. I don’t even know how your video editors keep up with all this; you must be giving them cocaine IV’s or something. That kind of thing may fly on Wall Street, but we expect more from the Worldwide Leader in Sports.

Girls: Stop calling frozen yogurt “fro-yo.” Are you so lazy that you can’t add two syllables to your lives? Trust me, if laziness were trendy, I would be The Arcade Fire, but “fro-yo” is just taking it too far.

Dirty Terrorists: You guys need to learn how to make entertaining videos. AK’s, black masks, and finger pointing are so 2002. If you really wanna stick it to The Man, you gotta go with bling, booty, and blunts. It’s an irresistible combination. Just look at 50 Cent — he loves capping asses just as much as you do, but he does it with style. That’s why he is rich and you are living in caves. Talk to the guys at ESPN.

Undergraduate Career Services: When I do a job search on your Web site, don’t make me sift through 500 consulting or finance jobs. When I ask for career advice, don’t give me that look like you’re thinking, “Wait, you don’t want to go to law school, med school, or grad school, but you don’t want to be an investment banker, a consultant, or in the Peace Corps? Then why the hell did you go to college?” Sorry, but some of us don’t want to be career students, schmoozers, hoodwinkers, or hippies.

Douches who think it’s appropriate to greet girls by kissing them on the cheek: What are we, 45 years old? Seriously, be creepier. These are usually the same dudes who will use any excuse to get dressed up (such as: keg party, pizza day at the cafeteria, playing PS2, watching “Laguna Beach,” etc.). And no, I’m not just getting worked up because my girlfriend happens to be friends with such dudes.

Tom Brady and Peyton Manning: Make more credit card commercials. Seriously. Maybe then you’d still be in the playoffs.

Grad student in my seminar: When our professor mentions something that you are familiar with because you are a super smart grad student and the rest of us lowly undergrads haven’t learned about it yet, you don’t need to audibly acknowledge that you are familiar with it. Trust me, we all know you’re a grad student from your yellow legal pad and the wrinkles on your face, so you don’t have to keep reminding us.

Person who holds the gate open for you when you’re like 20 yards away: Don’t hold it open, just let it shut. You aren’t doing me a favor by making me fake jog over to you so that I can pretend to care about you holding the gate longer than you have to and then thanking you for holding it. That whole process requires a significant amount of energy and interaction that I just don’t feel is necessary in my life at this time. Really, I can just push the green button and open it myself. My advice to you is to walk through the gate and never look back.

So there’s my list of resolutions for 2006. You should compile a similar list yourself, because no matter how dysfunctional your life is, there’s someone more dysfunctional to mock … unless you’re Courtney Love.

Carl Williott would be happy to advise you on resolutions for 2006, though not if you’re a dirty terrorist or Lindsay Lohan.