This article has been corrected. You may view this article’s correction here.

An old man and a young boy were walking on the beach one day. They saw that the low tide had stranded thousands of starfish on the shore, leaving them glistening in the summer sun. The young boy let go of the old man’s hand and ran to the nearest starfish. He carefully picked it up and walked to the water’s edge, letting the creature float away in the gentle waves. As he was about to pick up another starfish, the old man asked, “What are you doing?” The boy replied, “Grandpa, these starfish will die if we don’t get them back in the water.” The old man chuckled. After all, everything had to die sometime. What did a few starfish matter?

Seeing an opportunity to teach a life lesson, the old man told the young boy, “You’re wasting your time. There are thousands of starfish lying out here. It’s not going to make a difference.” The boy picked up the starfish and turned it over. It wiggled desperately, as if begging for water. The young boy walked back to the ocean and placed this starfish in the water, just like he had with the other. “You’re wrong, Grandpa. It made a difference to THAT one.”

That young boy with a heart of gold was Sam Penziner, extraordinary human being and, fortunately for us, candidate for Yale College Council president.

Sadly, this year’s race has been marred by deception, manipulation and fraud, even before the official campaign period has begun. Yet, to your surprise and ours, none of this has been perpetrated by the Party of the Rump or its illustrious candidate. (We’ve been busy.)

Inspired by Sam’s principled leadership and his bold agenda for reform, let us give you the straight facts about the next Yale College Council president:

-FACT: On the first day of school freshman year, Sam Penziner helped the wheelchair girl move her boxes to her room when everyone else was too busy to lend a hand. She has since learned to walk again.

FACT: Sam Penziner speaks five languages, one of which is “of the people.”

FACT: Sam Penziner has looked Death in the eye, and Death blinked.

FACT: Sam Penziner is great with children.

FACT: Sam Penziner got an A in Cold War without doing any of the reading.

FACT: Sam Penziner has walked in space.

FACT: Sam Penziner is the only candidate for YCC President who has had sex with two chicks at once.

FACT: Sam Penziner invented the keg stand.

FACT: Sam Penziner always has something insightful to say in section.

FACT: As a child, Sam Penziner could set things on fire with his mind, but he resolved to use his power only for good.

FACT: Sam Penziner was conceived immaculately.

FACT: 50 Cent once told Sam Penziner, “I feel you.”

FACT: Sam Penziner eats chumps like you for breakfast.

FACT: Sam Penziner’s life was the inspiration for the movie “Mulan.”

FACT: Sam Penziner is Jewish.

FACT: Sam Penziner was the first person to use the word “sick” to describe something as “awesome.”

FACT: Sam Penziner delivers meals-on-wheels to deaf kids … deaf kids with CANCER! BOOYAH!!!

FACT: We love Sam Penziner, and we want you to love him too.

Mike Dunham and Zac Soto are juniors in Jonathan Edwards College and publisher and editor in chief, respectively, of Rumpus magazine.